Monthly Archives: May 2015

Lorraine was driving through a small town in Montana and stopped at a roadside produce stand to ask where she could find a taxidermist.

The older gentleman seemed a little confused and said he didn’t think there was any around these parts.

Surprised by this, she said, “Are you sure?”

It was then he admitted he didn’t actually know what the word meant.

So she explained that a taxidermist is a man who mounts animals.

The old man’s face relaxed with a smile and said, “Oh hell, we’ve got plenty of them around here, only we call them sheepherders!”

In order to save on vacation costs, two secretaries are rooming together.
On the first night Jill turns to her friend Sally, puts her hand on her shoulder, and says, “There’s something I’ve been meaning to tell you about myself. I’ll be frank; I’m a lesbian.”
“That’s OK,” says Sally. “I’ll be Frank tomorrow night, I’m a lesbian
too.”

A young man and his date were parked on a back road some distance from town.
They were about to have sex when the girl stopped. “I really should have mentioned this earlier, but I’m actually a hooker and I charge $20 for sex.”
The man reluctantly paid her, and they did their thing.
After a cigarette, the man just sat in the driver’s seat looking out the window.
“Why aren’t we going anywhere?” asked the girl.
“Well, I should have mentioned this before, but I’m actually a taxi driver, and the fare back to town is $25.”

Two good ol’ boys in a Tennessee trailer park were sitting around talking one afternoon over a cold beer after getting off of work at their local Nissan plant.
After a while the first guy says to the second, “If’n I was to sneak over to your trailer Saturday and make love to your wife while you was off huntin’ and she got pregnant and had a baby, would that make us kin?”
The second guy crooked his head sideways for a minute, scratched his head, and squinted his eyes thinking real hard about the question.
Finally, he says, “Well, I don’t know about kin, but it would make us even.”

A co-worker informed George that George’s wife was being unfaithful everyday at 1:30 in the afternoon with George’s best friend.
Worried and hurt, George ran home at 1:30 to see if this was true. He came back to the office contented and relieved.
His co-worker meandered over and asked him how it went.
“Look,” said George. “Don’t start such terrible rumors! That guy isn’t my best friend. In fact I don’t even know him!”

Joe took his blind date to the carnival.
“What would you like to do first, Kim?” asked Joe.
“I jus’ wanna get weighed,” said Kim.
They ambled over to the weight guesser. He guessed 120 pounds. She got on the scale; it read 117 and she won a prize.
Next, the couple went on the Ferris Wheel. When the ride was over, Joe again asked Kim what she would like to do.
“I jus’ wanna get weighed,” she said.
Back to the weight guesser they went.
Since they had been there before, he guessed her correct weight, and Joe lost his dollar.
The couple walked around the carnival and again he asked where to next.
“I jus’ wanna get weighed,” she responded.
By this time, Joe figured she was really weird and took her home early, dropping her off with a handshake.
Her roommate, Laura, asked her about the blind date, “How’d it go?”
Kim responded, “Oh, Waura, it was wousy.”

Four life insurance companies were in a slogan competition.
The first company came up with the slogan, “Coverage from the cradle to the grave.”
The Second one tried to improve on that with, “Coverage from the womb to the tomb.”
Not to be outdone, the third one put forth, “From the sperm to the worm.”
The fourth insurance company really thought hard and almost gave up the race, but finally came up with, “From the erection to the resurrection.”

An old man goes to the Wizard to ask him if he can remove a curse he has been living with for the last 40 years.
The Wizard says, “Maybe, but you will have to tell me the exact words that were used to put the curse on you.”
The old man says without hesitation, “I now pronounce you man and wife.”

A 78-year-old man came into the Doctor’s office and complained of being tired.
The Doctor asked if he’d done anything unusual lately.
The man said, “Well, Wednesday night I picked up a 20-year-old secretary, went back to her place, and nailed her 3 times. Thursday, I met a 19-year-old waitress at the diner and we went out to Lover’s Rock and made love 4 times. Friday, I went out with an 18-year-old friend of my granddaughter’s and we ended up making it in the back of my Ford. Saturday I was lured into a motel by 17-year-old twins…”
The Doctor said, “That’s absolutely astonishing. But with all the dangers of sex these days, I hope you took proper precautions.”
“Of course,” the old geezer replied, “I gave ’em all phony names and numbers.”

A scientist named Walter invented a shrinking ray. He tried it on himself, and it worked. Unfortunately he couldn’t reverse the process, and he was stuck being the size of a normal man’s thumb.
He had a loyal lab assistant who worked with him, though, so his diminutive size didn’t affect Walter’s work too much.
Still, after a while, Walter began to long for female companionship.
His lab assistant thought up a highly-unethical plan. He planned to get a couple of ladies of the night, shrink them to Walter’s size, and keep them shrunk until they could figure out a way to reverse the process.
The lab assistant went to Times Square and tried to get the young ladies, but it was trickier than it seemed. They were reluctant to travel all the way to the lab, but the lab assistant offered to double their usual rate, so they finally agreed.
As soon as they stepped into the lab, the assistant turned on the shrinking ray.
here was a flash of light and a puff of smoke, and when the air had cleared, the prostitutes were exactly the same size as they were before.
“What’s the big idea? Eek!” One of the prostitutes saw Walter scurrying across the floor and squashed him flat with her shoe! Walter was dead, and the experiment was ruined.
This was all because the lab assistant forgot what everyone already knows. ‘You can lead the whores to Walter, but you can’t make ’em shrink.’