A recently retired couple in their late 60’s were visited by a magic fairy who granted them each one wish.
“I want to travel around the world with my husband”, said the wife.
Just then two tickets for a luxury cruise magically appeared in her hand.
With a daring grin, the husband said, “I wish my wife was 30 years younger than me.”
And with that, the magic fairy waved her wand and transformed the husband into a 97 year old man.
A lost hunter out in the wilds stumbled into a camp. “Am I glad to see you!” he said. “I’ve been lost for three days.”
“Don’t get too excited, friend,” the other hunter replied. “I’ve been lost for three weeks.”
Little Bobby was excited about his first day at school, but only a few minutes after class started, he realized that he desperately needed to go to the bathroom. So he raised his hand politely to ask if he could be excused.
The teacher said yes, and asked him to be quick. Five minutes later he returned, looking more desperate and embarrassed. “I can’t find it”, he cried.
The teacher drew him a little map of where he should go and asked him if he will be able to find it now. The boy looked at the paper and said “I think so.” and went on his way.
Five minutes later he returned to the class room and said, “I still can’t find it.”
Frustrated, the teacher asked Little Johnny to help him, so the two boys went together. Five minutes later they both return and sat down at their seats.
The teacher asked Johnny, “Well, did you help him find it?”
Johnny was quick to reply, “Oh sure. Bobby just had his boxer shorts on backwards.”
Jeffrey died and went to hell. Once there, he found that there was a different hell representing every country. He decided to seek out the least painful one.
At the door to German Hell, he was told: “First we put you in an electric chair for an hour. Then we lay you on a bed of nails for another hour. Then the German devil comes in and whips you for the rest of the day.”
Jeffrey did not like the sound of that, so he checked out the American Hell, Russian Hell and many more. They were all similarly themed with electric chairs, nail beds, and whipping.
However, when he came to the Italian Hell, there was a long line of people waiting to get in. Amazed, he asked, “What do they do here?”
The doorman explained, “First we put you in an electric chair for an hour. Then we lay you on a bed of nails for another hour. Then the Italian devil comes in and whips you for the rest of the day.”
“But that’s the same as the others!” exclaimed Jeffrey. “Why are so many people waiting to get in?”
“Because of the power cuts, the electric chair does not work. The nails were paid for but never supplied, which makes the bed comfortable. And the Italian devil used to be a civil servant, so he comes in, signs his time sheet and goes back home for private business.”
And Then Things Got Worse
I had to go to the doctor’s to be put on a nebulizer this past week. While I’m starting to move towards recovery, my bronchitis has been particularly nasty. It was trying to turn into pneumonia, which is basically a death sentence to a fat middle aged guy like me.
So will I live? Hell, I don’t know. My shits still all fucked up, and it hurts to inhale. I’ve coughed so much, it damaged my lungs, and now I’m coughing up foam. Google it. It’s not a good sign.
Any good news? Well, you’ll get five new jokes this week. I’d say that’s some pretty good news. Other than that… No.
Kudos
Of course daily jokes would either suck or not exist if it weren’t for contributors like George and darkmare. Thanks for sending the jokes. If you’re a fan of this site and would like to help out, please send jokes to our submission page, or drop me an e-mail at flush2x@gmail.com. Thanks for being awesome!
Pax,
-f2x
Jim walked up to his wife and said, “Today is a fine day!” The next day he said it again, “Today is a fine day.” Again next day, he said the same thing, “Today is a fine day.”
Finally after a week, the wife asked her husband, “Since last week, you keep saying today is a fine day. What’s up with that?”
Jim explained, “Last week when we had an argument, you said, ‘I will leave you one fine day.’ I was just trying to remind you.”
Early one morning, a mother went in to wake up her son.
“Wake up, son.“
“But why, Mom? I don’t want to go.”
“Give me two reasons why you don’t want to go.”
“Well, the kids hate me for one, and the teachers hate me also!”
“Oh, that’s no reason not to go to school. Come on now and get ready.”
“Give me two reasons why I should go to school.”
“Well, for one, you’re 52 years old. And for another, you’re the principal!”
A man and a little boy entered a barbershop together. After the man received the full treatment – shave, shampoo, manicure, haircut, etc. – he placed the boy in the chair.
“I’m goin’ to buy a green tie to wear for the parade,” he said. “I’ll be back in a few minutes.”
When the boy’s haircut was completed and the man still hadn’t returned, the barber said, “Looks like your daddy’s forgotten all about you.”
“That wasn’t my daddy,” said the boy. “He just walked up, took me by the hand and said, ‘Come on, son, we’re gonna get a free haircut!’”
Two telephone company crews were putting up telephone poles. At the end
of the day, the company foreman asked the first crew how many poles they
had put in the ground. “Fifteen” was the answer.
“Not bad, not bad at all,” the foreman said.
Turning to the blonde crew he asked how many they had put in. “Four” was
the answer.
“Four?” the foreman yelled. “The others did fifteen, and you only did four?”
“Yes,” replied the leader of the blonde group, “But go look at how much they
left sticking out of the ground.”
