Sunday, July 15, 2018


Going Right Around the Bend

Recently there was a news item than came up in my feed about a Puerto Rican t-shirt. Perhaps you heard about it, or maybe not. In case you didn’t know, Puerto Rico is a U.S. Territory. The people who live there are natural born U.S. citizens. It has been considered for statehood on numerous occasions. They have their own flag like any other state or commonwealth, and it looks just about as patriotically American as 4th of July bunting.

With all that going for it, apparently some idiot thought that a woman wearing a t-shirt with the Puerto Rican flag on it was somehow offensively un-American. The video footage was cringe inducing. It was so outrageous that I almost thought it had to be some kind of setup. I mean, no one could be that stupid, could they? But it turns out this really did happen. I’m still wondering what precipitated this altercation. Was this just some rando looking for brown people to harass? Who does that shit?

I was sitting in the break room at work across from “Steve” (obviously not his real name) when I first saw this article on my phone. Now don’t get me wrong: I like Steve, and we get along fairly well. Like most of the people where I work, Steve is a redneck, and boastfully proud of it. He’s pretty much a bad caricature of “Duck Dynasty”, and would probably happily agree with that assessment. Steve’s a nice guy, but…

Anyway, a regrettable human characteristic I possess is to make conversation with people. I mentioned the article I was reading to Steve. The video had just gone viral, and the “national discussion” hadn’t yet taken hold. I don’t know what kind of response I was expecting, but he immediately started muttering about those “damn liberals”.

I thought maybe he misunderstood the premise, so I said, “It’s not about liberals, it’s about a woman wearing a t-shirt with the Puerto Rican flag on it.”

This sent him careening on a rant about people not respecting the history of the Confederate flag, and, “If people did any research at all, they’d know that…” then he trailed into some incomprehensible mutterings about black people designing the confederate flag. I can’t make this shit up.

Of course at that point I glanced at the clock and said, “Looks like my break time’s over.”

So what’s my point? Apparently my whole life has become one long gas lit non sequitur. The world has gone mad, and I’m trapped inside this insane asylum with people who can no longer pass a Turing test. I might as well start drinking again and have conversations with my Magic 8-Ball.

Pax,

-f2x

Sunday, July 15, 2018
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Sunday, July 8, 2018

Getting by on Two 10Gb/month SIM Cards

Mobile carriers hate people who tether. If they know in advance that you’re planning on tethering, they will put heavy restrictions on your ability to use that feature. Of course if you’re paying them a shit-ton of money through a four line family plan with a 2 year contract and all the latest phones, they’ll give you all the internet you can eat… But if you’re on a budget, you ain’t gonna like what they do to you.

Now I’m not shilling for my mobile provider, but Mint Mobile has this deal where you pay $300 and you get unlimited calls and text, plus 10Gb of tetherable 4g/LTE data per month for 12 months. That comes to $25/month, and I bought two of them. I also bought the $240 5Gb/month for my actual cell phone, so that’s actually 25Gb/month on 3 SIM cards, and yeah, that was a lot of money up front, but I don’t have to worry about anymore internet or cell phone charges for the rest of the year.

Twice a month, I unplug my modem and swap out the SIM. The removed SIM goes into a $50 Android phone. If I budget the data plan over the next 15 days, it comes to about 680Mb per day. The modem is actually quite good at keeping track of my usage, so I can easily check it from a bookmarked webpage. I turn on the WiFi hotspot on the cheap Android phone with the spent SIM card and connect it to my Windows 10 computer. Even when the 10Gb is used up, it can still get unlimited 2g internet speeds until the monthly reset.

Of course most people would feel utterly suffocated by such a paltry constraint. I have to admit, it’s not always easy to keep within those parameters. If I find that I’m going over budget at the house: I tether my phone (which gets 5Gb/month) to my desktop for a few evenings. It gets me back on track, and the performance isn’t any different than using the main system. I just have to remember to plug my ethernet cable back in when I’m done.

Of course if I use up all my SIM cards, then I’m only almost fucked. The SIM cards are staggered so I’m only at most about two weeks away from getting another 10Gb, but more importantly all three SIMs get unlimited 2g data. Thats about twice the speed of a 56K dial-up modem and can limp me to my next refill date, so it’s not like I’m ever disconnected.

In the end I’m paying about the same amount that Spectrum wanted to charge me, but my internet is being metered and of course a little slower. On the other hand, my connection is no longer randomly cutting out 5 times an hour, and I don’t have to worry about sudden rate increases or bullshit charges on my bill.

In a perfect world, some benevolent soul would guide me to a SIM card that would provide me with unlimited internet that is capable of streaming decent video for less than $50/month. Hint, hint, nudge, nudge! I’m still waiting!

Oh well… At least I can watch YouTube videos at 240p for about 5 hours every day. No really… It’s about 2.16Mb per minute which is 130Mb per hour which means I’ll only use 650Mb after 5 hours! But while the video quality isn’t terrible, it is a little rough looking at times.

In contrast, Netflix will eat 600Mb every 2 hours on it’s low bandwidth setting. This is not ideal. I really wish they would have an even lower setting, so I could use it at home. Right now I only watch Netflix when I visit my dad and we watch a movie together at his house. You know what’s strange? Even though I have his system set up so he can watch NetFlix and Amazon videos, he still ends up using Kodi most of the time. But I digress.

I have to be wary of any background services that could suck down my data plan without my realizing it. It’s why my Windows 10 machine is only allowed to connect to the “spent” SIM card.

So before I go, a big “fuck you” to all the autoplay videos on news sites. You guys suck. I also want to wish a pox on all the advertisers who autoplay video ads in hi def. I hope you all rot in hell. Special thanks to uBlock Origin, Chrome, and Linux for making it possible to bring my data usage down to within my pathetic monthly allotment. And I’d also like to thank you, my internet viewers for whom I have never seen or met. It’s like you’re not even there.

Pax,

-f2x

Oh, thank you random internet ghost!

Within only a couple of hours of posting this, I have gotten word from one of my “non-existent” viewers that I can watch Netflix with even lower bandwidth usage on Linux by installing “wondershaper”.

sudo apt-get install wondershaper

You then enter the magic phrase,

sudo wondershaper [interface] 200 200

This will give you extra slow internet. Now Netflix almost looks like shit, but only uses about 90Mb/hour, which is even less than 240P YouTube.

Of course this really slows all of your internet down, so it’s important to know how to reverse the spell:

sudo wondershaper clear [interface]

Keep in mind that [interface] is something like eth0 or wan0 or even usb0, whichever the case may be.

Thanks for that tip, my friend. Now I can watch awesome stuff every day after work.

Sunday, July 8, 2018
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Sunday, July 1, 2018

Bingbot Never Forgets

I have an error page report on the back end of this site. It can be useful when tracking down errors or seeing the trail of a botnet attack. It’s also a place where search engines continually remind me that I changed or deleted something.

I would have forgotten about it. It’s been such a long time now. Back in 2011, I decided to play around with the tag taxonomy in WordPress. The three tags I put out there were “banned jokes”, “evil jokes”, and “burn in hell jokes”, and they were attached to the “Rape Jokes” post. The idea was that perhaps the tags would get Flush Twice a higher ranking in these search results.

Well, it sort of but not really worked. Instead of directing visitors to the pages labeled with the tag, they were directed to a tag handling page that listed the post with those particular tags. It was a very ugly and clumsy looking page, and I didn’t like it at all.

So I removed all the tags from the site, and permanently shelved the idea of ever using them again. When people come to the site, I want them to land on one of the posts, not some procedurally generated search page! Unfortunately, Bing didn’t share my vision.

An even longer time ago, I had an issue with Google searching for the “bigass.jpg” file on this site. It took a few years, but Google finally stopped. On the other hand, Bing seems to still be fixated on finding those tags. A taxonomy that I deleted over 5 years ago continues to be Bingbot’s primary objective when scraping my site, and that’s kind of sad.

I just wish there was a way to get it through to the dumbass Bingbot that the tags are gone, they aren’t coming back, and even if they did I wouldn’t use those particular tags ever again. Then I wouldn’t have to see the same repeated errors pop up day after day after day.

Pax,

-f2x

PS: I already know what some of you might be thinking, and no, the 301 redirect won’t work in this case. The bot is looking for a URL with a ‘?’ in it, and that just creates a whole lot of ugly.

Sunday, July 1, 2018
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Sunday, June 24, 2018

We’ve Been Getting Less Prurient

and that’s on purpose!

I just wanted to give the regular viewers and contributors a heads up. While most of the jokes published here will still contain “mature” or “offensive” themes, there have been and will continue to be fewer jokes of a sexual nature. This is not because I don’t like sexual humor, nor am I being pressured by feminists. The simple fact is, the sexual jokes are getting boring.

While you could write volumes of jokes about infidelity, impotence, and incest, eventually they all just start to blur together. That’s why I’ve been really trying to tone it down. About once per week is OK, but there for a while I was posting nothing but sexual jokes five days a week.

It’s important to note why I was posting so many jokes regarding sex in the first place: Those are the jokes you (my contributors) have been sending me! At risk of alienating some (or even all) of you, I’m going to stop using most of them. I know that’s a risky move for a site called “Flush Twice”. Believe it or not, I only called it that because there were so many jokes being sent to me that you’d have to “flush twice” to get them all to go down, and not because we’d specialize in toilet humor.

So in this open letter, I’m asking you nicely to please send jokes other than the sexual ones. Religious, political, and racist jokes are also offensively funny ways to make us all laugh, and I’d really like it if you’d start sending a few “clean” jokes once in a while. They don’t have to be that clean, but make it something you could at least tell the boss’s boss without risking your promotion.

Pax,

-f2x

Sunday, June 24, 2018
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Sunday, June 17, 2018

Almond Milk

No matter what you do, some people will never be happy.

For a few years now, my dad (who leans further to the right than Pinochet) has been using store bought almond milk. His reasoning was that he could buy it in bulk at Costco, and it stayed fresh much longer. I get that. Neither one of us are big milk drinkers but, when you need milk, you need it. After a couple weeks in the fridge, regular cow’s milk will wrinkle your nose, but an unopened carton of almond milk will taste just fine. Even if the flavor tends to be a little “woody”, almond milk makes good smoothies and works in most cooking and baking recipes.

Of course neither my dad nor I are lactose intolerant. We are neither environmental hipsters, nor do we give a rats ass about being politically correct, but pragmatism is a conservative quality that we highly prize. Money doesn’t grow on trees, so when you find a better deal, go with it.

And here I was thinking it’s one less thing that some neerdowell would attack me for, but I was wrong. Apparently “almond milk” is terrible for the environment. It’s also nutritionally deficient, contains chemical additives, and probably makes the baby jebus cry. Seriously?! WTF!

Of course if you take even a moment to fact check, you’ll see that none of the criticisms are really worth the time it took to fact check. Almond milk naturally contains less nutrition than cows milk, but so what? It still contains more nutrition than water. So now many brands contain chemical additives because people wanted more nutrition and flavor. It’s not like we don’t already fortify a shit-ton of foods anyway, but god forbid we put anything extra in a packaged product. Bad for the environment?! Now they’re bitching because the trees are bad because the farmers have to water them! So wake up sheeple! Trees are bad for the environment now!

Oh, and let’s not forget about those poor bees they bring in to pollinate the trees. They eventually die because the area contains pesticides. While that’s true, the fact is they buy the bees from bee keepers in other parts of the country who grow bee colonies specifically for exporting. Basically, it’s not actually contributing to the issue of “colony collapse” that plagues honeybees around the world, but trying to explain why bee farming is a good thing to these morons is a waste of time and energy.

So is almond milk really that good? Meh… It’s nice if you need milk occasionally, but fresh cows milk does taste a little better IMHO. Is it bad for the environment? Compared to what? Let’s face it, human existence and everything connected to it is bad for the environment. If you’re so concerned about it, go kill yourself! I hear suicide is making a comeback these days. But almonds and almond milk aren’t any worse for the environment than your typical overzealous vegan.

Next thing you know they’ll be protesting vegeburgers. Oh wait… they already are.

{smh} Stupid fucks.

Pax,

-f2x

Sunday, June 17, 2018
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