The farmer met his nephew at the railroad station.
“Uncle, I’m mighty glad to see you,” said the boy. “That crate of chickens you sent us bust open just as I was going to take ‘em out and they ran all over the place. I chased ‘em through the neighbor’s yard but only got back eleven.”
“You did alright,” said the uncle. “I only sent you six.”
Bronchitis
It was round about late Tuesday morning when I felt that nagging little irritating spot in my sinus cavity. Like when a piece of dandelion fluff goes up your nose, and you can’t get it out. Not even sixteen hours later, my entire throat was on fire, and I would be staying home from work that day.
A day an a half later, it was clear that the shit had settled into my bronchioles. Every breath would crackle and wheeze with the sound of mucous. I coughed so much, I thought my throat might tear open, leaving me to drown in my own blood. Somehow I survived.
Do you want to know the most amazing thing about this rapid onset of bronchitis? It’s the fact that I haven’t had bronchitis in over nine years! I used to get this stuff once or twice a year, but back in 2010, I started vaping, and a year and a half later I had smoked my last cigarette.
Over time, I had stopped coughing up lung butter every morning in the shower. Of course I had a few colds here and there, but it never settled into my chest like this one just did.
Now these days I know how fashionable it is to shit all over vaping and criticize how it’s getting young kids hooked on nicotine with fruity flavors, but the harsh reality is they would have been smoking “Black and Milds” or “Kool” cigarettes otherwise.
I hardly vape anymore. I fill my tank maybe once every two weeks… Maybe. I charge the battery about as often. I keep it around more as a security blanket than as an actual daily habit. Whether I’m using it or not, I’d like to continue to hang onto it if it’s all the same, thank you.
But this past week my new found superpower had failed me, and my throat is a raw, soar snot coated tube of flesh that reminds me just how delicate the balance is for health and wellness.
Stay healthy.
Kudos
George and darkmare continue their generous roles in providing jokes for our enjoyment. Of course anyone can contribute by using our submission page, or sending an e-mail to flush2x@gmail.com. Thank you for your support.
Pax,
-f2x
A couple of socialites were conversing on the porch of a large white-pillared mansion.
The first woman said, “When my first child was born, my husband built this beautiful mansion for me.”
The the second woman replied, “That’s nice.”
The first woman continued, “When my second child was born, my husband bought me that Ferrari you see parked in the drive.”
Again, the second woman commented, “That’s nice.”
The first woman boasted, “Then when my third child was born, my husband bought me this exquisite diamond bracelet.”
Yet again, the second woman commented, “That’s nice.”
The first woman then asked her companion, “What did your husband buy for you when you had your first child?”
The second woman replied, “My husband sent me to charm school.”
“Charm school!” the first woman cried. “For heaven’s sake, child, what on Earth for?”
“Well, it comes in very handy. For example, instead of saying, ‘Who gives a damn,’ I learned to say, ‘That’s nice.’
Three ladies had died and were waiting at the gates of heaven.
They were greeted by St. Peter and an assistant angel.
St. Peter approached the first lady and asked, “Were you a good girl?”
“Oh yes”, she said enthusiastically. “I was a virgin my entire life!”
“Very good”, said St. Peter. He turned to the angel and said, “Give this woman the golden key.”
Turning to the second lady, St. Peter asked, “Were you a good girl?”
“Oh, quite good”, she said. “I remained virgin up until the day I got married.”
“Very good”, said St. Peter. He turned to the angel and said, “Give this woman the silver key.”
Approaching the third lady, St. Peter asked “Were you a good girl?”
“I’m afraid I haven’t been a very good girl at all”, she said. “I practically had sex with every guy I ever met!”
“I see,” said St. Peter. He turned to the angel and said, “Give this woman my room key.”
After a fire had burned down their barn. The farmer’s wife called their insurance company and asked them to send a check for $175,000, since that was the amount for which the barn had been insured.
“We can’t just give you the money,” a company official explained. “But don’t worry. We will replace the barn and all the equipment in it.”
“In that case,” replied the wife, “I would like to cancel the policy I have on my husband.”
An investment counselor decided to go out on her own. She was shrewd and diligent, so business kept coming in, and pretty soon she realized that she needed an in-house counsel. She began to interview young lawyers.
“As I’m sure you can understand,” she started off with one of the first applicants, “in a business like this, our personal integrity must be beyond question.” She leaned forward. “Mr. Peterson, are you an honest lawyer?”
“Honest?” replied the job prospect. “Let me tell you something about honest. Why, I’m so honest that my father lent me $15,000 for my education, and I paid back every penny the minute I tried my very first case.”
“Impressive. And what sort of case was that?”
The lawyer squirmed in his seat and admitted, “He sued me for the money.”
Sandy called her mother on the phone and sobbed, “Mama, Ted and I just had a terrible fight! He said a lot of mean things to me and even called me fat! Mama, I can’t take this anymore. I wanna move back home with you!”
The mother calmly soothed her daughter and said, “No dear, he must pay for his mistake. I am coming to stay with you!”
What Happened to Glenn?
Some of you have been wondering, “So what happened? Why don’t you credit Glenn anymore?” In short, nothing. Glenn still sends me jokes, but I don’t use them. Honestly, he keeps sending me the same jokes, over and over and over again, and either I’ve already used them, or the jokes are so bad that I could not even entertain the notion of including them in the collection. (Seriously, they are just head-scratchingly bad.)
I’ve mentioned this site to Glenn numerous times before, but he’s an old friend who has never even bothered to visit Flush Twice. He’s kind of a refugee from the ancient times of AOL, and I think he gets the bulk of his material through Facebook these days.
Most of the older jokes on this site were contributed by him, and if the joke was particularly raunchy, it was probably one that Glenn sent me. He also sends me vulgar and politically incorrect comics, pictures of naked women, and links to videos that would make Benny Hill blush.
But there have been many contributors that I have never credited over the years. Dan, Darrin, James, Justin, Kenny, and many more. I never hear from them these days, and some of them, like Kenny are no longer with us.
While it’s been technically possible to give individual credits for the jokes, even the people contributing the jokes didn’t personally write them, and generally the people I know don’t want their names showing up in public places, much less placed along side material that could possibly be taken offensively.
I can understand that. Up until 2008, I didn’t even feel comfortable enough to sign my own comics, and it was not until 2016 that I signed my comics with my full name… Though technically my first name is actually Dietrich. It’s a name that has been shortened much like you would shorten Matthew to “Matt”, Johnathon to “John”, Albert to “Al”, or Timothy to “You’re a fucking asshole, Tim.”
So we digressed a little bit, but in case anyone was worried, Glenn is doing fine, and he still sends me jokes… Just not any new jokes.
Kudos
Speaking of people providing me with jokes: It’s still darkmare and George providing the jokes for this week. Some of them are pretty good as well! You can send me jokes to be featured on Flush Twice by using our submission page, or just fire off an e-mail to flush2x@gmail.com. As always, your contributions are greatly appreciated. Thank you.
Pax,
-f2x
