Clara called the local newspaper office to place an obituary for her recently deceased husband. After the editor informed her that the fee for the obituary was charged by the word, she paused for a moment before saying, “Well, then, let it read ‘George Putnam died’.”
Confounded at the woman’s thrift, the editor stammered that there was a 7-word minimum for all obituaries.
Clara paused again, counted on her fingers and replied, “In that case, ‘George Putnam died. Chevy Blazer for sale.’”
Mary informed her husband to be, “When we get married, I want you to share with me all the worries, troubles and burdens.”
“It’s very kind of you,” replied John, “but I don’t have any worries, troubles or burdens.”
“Maybe not this moment,” Mary pointed out, “but then we aren’t married yet either.”
A blonde walked up to the librarian and slammed a book down on the counter.
“This book is terrible!” she began. “It just goes on and on, there aren’t any pictures, too many characters, and no matter how much I read, there just doesn’t seem to be any story!”
The librarian gave her a sympathetic look as she placed the book in the return pile and informed the blonde, “That’s because you were reading the phone book.”
Jerry was sick and tired of going to work every day while his wife stayed home. He wanted her to see what he went through so he prayed, “Dear Lord, I go to work every day and put in 8 hours while my wife merely stays at home. I want her to know what I go through, so please, create a trade in our bodies.”
God, in his infinite wisdom, granted Jerry’s wish. The next morning, sure enough, Jerry awoke as a woman. He arose, cooked breakfast for his wife, awakened the kids, set out their school clothes, fed them breakfast, packed their lunches, drove them to school, came home and picked up the dry cleaning, took it to the cleaners and stopped at the bank to draw out money to pay the power bill and telephone bill, drove to the power company and the phone company and paid the bills, went grocery shopping, came home and put away the groceries.
He cleaned the cat’s litter box and bathed the dog. Then it was already 1 p.m.and he hurried to make the beds, do the laundry, vacuum, dust, and sweep and mop the kitchen floor, ran to the school to pick up the kids and got into an argument with them on the way home. Set out cookies and milk and got the kids organized to do their homework, then set up the ironing board and watched TV while he did the ironing.
At 4:30 he began peeling potatoes and washing greens for salad, breaded the pork chops and snapped fresh beans for supper. After supper he cleaned up the kitchen, ran the dishwasher, folded laundry, bathed the kids, and put them to bed.
At 9 p.m.he was exhausted and, though his daily chores weren’t finished, he went to bed where he was expected to make love – which he managed to get through without complaint.
The next morning he awoke and immediately knelt by the bed and said, “Lord, I don’t know what I was thinking. I was so wrong to envy my wife’s being able to stay home all day. Please, oh please, let us trade back.”
The Lord, in his infinite wisdom, replied, “My son, I feel you have learned your lesson and I will be happy to change things back to the way they were. You’ll have to wait 9 months, though. You got pregnant last night.”
Terry was known for his hypochondria. He went to the doctor convinced that he had appendicitis.
During the exam the doctor listened as Terry complained about the horrible pain in his left side.
The doctor then explained that the appendix is on the right side.
“Aha! That’s why it hurts to much!” Exclaimed Terry. “My appendix is on the wrong side!”
The Weather
So by now, it should be warming up, but this past week, the Midwestern United States saw some rather low temps, and a lotta snow. On Friday I could have literally taken a snowmobile to work. It’s winter here, and it’s normal to have this.
Honestly, I remember it being a lot snowier in the past. Although Ohio didn’t see the worst of it, the blizzard of ’78 was pretty big. It was typical for us to get a lot of snow in the winter, and I frequently went skiing at the local ski resorts as a kid. Of course these days it’s snowing one week, and raining the next. One minute the temperatures are below zero and the next thing you know, it’s 50°F. It’s chaotic.
One good thing. My heating bill isn’t as high as it used to be.
Hmmm…
Kudos
Fortunately, darkmare and George are still on the job! They generously contributed this week’s jokes. To put it another way: If they weren’t still sending jokes to Flush Twice, there wouldn’t be any new jokes to read. I still take time to do the comic and these rants, but I got a lot of other things to take care of, so it really helps me out to have people sending jokes to our submission page, or use the old fashioned email system and mailto:flush2x@gmail.com. Contributions are much appreciated.
Pax,
-f2x
Joseph was on his deathbed and knew the end was near. His nurse, his wife, his daughter and two sons were with him. He asked for two witnesses to be present and a video camera to record his last wishes, and when all was ready he began to speak:
“My son, Bernie, I want you to take the Mayfair houses. My daughter Sybil, you take the apartments over in the east end. My son, Jamie, I want you to take the offices over in the City Center. Sarah, my dear wife, please take all the residential buildings on the banks of the river.”
The nurse and witnesses were blown away as they did not realize Joseph’s extensive holdings. As Joseph passed away, the nurse commented to the widow, “Mrs. Smith, your husband must have been such a hard-working man to have accumulated all this property”.
“Property?” the woman said incredulously. “The bum had a paper route.”
