Monthly Archives: March 2019

A new pizza delivery boy knocked on the door of his first customer’s home. After receiving the pizza, the customer asked, “So what’s the usual tip?”

“Well,” replied the youth, “this is my night on the job, but the other guys said if I get a quarter out of you, I’ll be doing great.”

“Is that so?” snorted the customer. “Well, just to show them how wrong they are, here’s five dollars.”

“Thanks,” replied the delivery boy, “I’ll put this in my school fund.”

“What are you studying in school?” asked the customer.

The lad smiled and said, “Applied psychology.”

A young woman brought her fiancée home to have dinner with her parents. After the meal, the mother told her husband to find out more about the young man.

The father invited the fiancée into the library for a drink. “So what are your plans?” the father asked the young man.

“I am attending Bible university to get a degree in Bible studies,” he explained.

“A Bible scholar?” remarked the father. “That’s admirable, but what will you do to provide for my daughter in the manner in which she is accustomed?”

“I will study,” the young man said, “and the Lord will provide for us.”

“And how will you buy her a beautiful engagement ring, such as she deserves?” asked the father.

“I will concentrate on my studies,” the young man replied. “The Lord will provide for us.”

“And children?” asked the father. “How will you support children?”

“Don’t worry, sir, the Lord will provide,” replied the fiancée.

The conversation continued like this, and each time the father questioned, the young idealist insisted that the Lord would provide.

Later, the mother asked, “How did it go, Honey?”

“He has no job and no plans,” the father answered, “but the good news is he thinks I’m God.”

Little Jeffy hated school. As his mother drove him to school one Monday morning, he tried every excuse to get out of going.

The crying and whining built to a crescendo. At her wits’ end, the mother stopped the car and explained, “Honey, it’s a law. If you don’t go to school, they’ll put Mommy in jail.”

With a sad pout, little Jeffy looked at his mother and thought a moment before asking, “How long would you have to stay?”

In a courtroom in Oklahoma, a man was on trial for murder. While there was strong evidence indicating guilt, the prosecution had no corpse.

In the defense’s closing statement the lawyer resorted to a clever trick. “Ladies and gentlemen of the jury, I have a surprise for you all,” the lawyer said as he looked at his watch. “In just one minute, the person presumed dead in this case will walk into this courtroom!”

The lawyer then looked towards the courtroom door, and the somewhat stunned jury followed suit. A minute passed, but nothing happened.

Finally, the lawyer said, “Actually, I made up the previous statement, but you all looked on with anticipation! Therefore, I put it to you that there is reasonable doubt in this case as to whether anyone was killed. I must insist that you return a verdict of not guilty.”

The jury, clearly confused, retired to deliberate. Only a few minutes later, the jury returned and the representative pronounced a verdict of guilty.

“But how?” inquired the defense. “You must have had some doubt! I saw all of you stare at the door.”

“Oh, we did look,” said the representative, “but your client didn’t.”

Two eighty year-old pensioners were taking a trip down memory lane by going back to the place where they first met.

Sitting at a cafe, the little old man said, “Remember the first time I met you over 50 years ago? We left this cafe, went round the corner behind the gas works, and I gave you the thrill of your life.”

“Why, yes, I remember it well, dear,” replied the little old lady with a grin.

“Well, for old time’s sake, let’s go there again, and I’ll do it again.”

The two pensioners paid their bill and left the cafe. A young man who was sitting next to them had overheard the conversation and thought it would be quite amusing to see two old timers going at it. He got up and followed them. Sure enough, he saw the two pensioners near the gas works. The little old lady pulled off her knickers and lifted up her dress.

The old man pulled down his pants and grabbed the lady’s hips, and the little old lady reached for the fence. Well, what followed was 10 minutes of the most athletic love making the man had ever seen. Limbs were flying everywhere, the movement was a blur, and they did not stop for a single second. Finally, they collapsed and did not move for several minutes.

The young man was stunned. Never in his life had he ever seen anything like this – not in the movies, not from his friends, not from his own experiences.

Reflecting on what he had just saw, he had to know this secret, not only to make love like that now, but in 50 years as well!

After the two old pensioners had recovered and dressed themselves, the young man approached them with his hat in his hand.

“Sir, in all my life I have never seen anybody make love like that, particularly at your age,” the young man remarked to the older gentleman. “What is your secret? How are you able to still make love like that after 50 years?”

“I don’t have a secret, son,” the pensioner replied, “and 50 years ago, that fence wasn’t electrified!”

While visiting her blonde friend, the brunette noticed the blonde had two new dogs, and asked what their names were.

“Rolex and Timex,” the blonde said proudly.

“What peculiar names for your dogs,” remarked the brunette. “Why did you name them that?”

The blonde replied, “What else would you name watch dogs?”