Two days into his trial,the defendant stood up and asked permission to approach the Judge.
“Your Honor, I would like to change my plea from innocent to guilty,” the defendant requested.
Slightly agitated, the judge asked, “If you were guilty, why didn’t you say so in the first place and save this court a lot of time and trouble?”
“Well, when the trial began I did think I was innocent,” explained the defendant, “but that was before I had the opportunity to hear all the evidence against me.”
A farm boy had accidentally overturned his wagon load of corn. A nearby farmer heard the noise and yelled over to the boy, “Hey Billy Bob, forget your troubles. Come in and visit with us. I’ll help you get the wagon up later.”
“That’s mighty nice of you,” Billy Bob answered, “but I don’t think my Pa would like me to.”
“Aw, come on boy,” the farmer insisted.
“Well okay,” the boy finally agreed, and added, “but my Pa won’t like it.”
After a hearty dinner, Billy Bob thanked his host and said, “I was a wonderful meal, but my Pa is going to be real mad now.”
“Don’t be silly!” the neighbor said. “By the way, where is your Pa?”
“Under the wagon.”
A barber gave a haircut to a priest one day. When the priest tried to pay for the haircut, the barber refused, saying, “You do God’s work,”
The next day the barber found a dozen Bibles at the door to his shop.
A policeman came to the barber for a haircut, and again the barber refused to accept money. “You protect the public,” he said.
The next morning the barber found a dozen doughnuts at the door to his shop.
A lawyer came to the barber for a haircut, and again the barber refused payment, saying, “You serve justice.”
The next morning, the barber found 12 lawyers standing in line waiting for haircuts.
Terrance was driving home from work when he was pulled over for not wearing a seat belt. Three days later, he got pulled over again for the the same reason by the same cop.
“So, have you learned anything yet?” snarked the cop.
“Yes, I have,” said Terrance. “I’ve learned it’s time to find a new way home from work.”
The Dot over the ‘i’
It’s the little things, and in this case the very little things. I just wasted five #$%^ing hours trying to fix the dot over the ‘i’. Let me explain. You might have noticed the font used in the comic is unique to this comic. That’s because I spent way too much of my free time building my own custom font using a program called “Fontforge”.
So when I redid the panel templates for 2019, I used different sizes of fonts and noticed the larger the font size, the more the dots over the i’s looked a little off. I did some manual tweaking and resizing in the bitmap editor, but I didn’t want to mess with the hassle of editing the font itself.
Fast forward a few months, and it was still bugging me… Just look at the “i” in the “Twice” in the page header. Why is that dot so small? Basically, once you see it, you can’t unsee it. This needed to be fixed.
There were a few other problems with the font as well. The dash was too long, the copyright symbol was not proportional, and other minor things I felt needed a tweak. Since there had been an OS reinstall since the last time I work on my font, I had to install the latest version of Fontforge before I could start editing.
Oh the joy. This latest version of Fontforge insisted my font had errors. It proceeded to #$%^ up a few of the letters like ‘b’, ‘e’, and ‘q’. It took me three hours to fix everything. It bitched and complained about anything else it could whenever I tried to generate the font. Finally, after I got rid of all the errors and glitches, I generated the font, and then for some reason, the font would not work.
The #$%^ing font would not work.
First of all, Fontforge is a travesty of a font editor. Looks like something designed for Windows 1.0. It’s about as intuitive as reading a technical manual written in Jenglish. While I would never have been able to create my font without the program, I still want to hunt down the program designer and beat them with a pool noodle.
I spent another two hours pouring over everything on that font. Finally I realized I was generating the font into the wrong format that my bitmap editor couldn’t even read. Ugh! I’m such a bonehead! I changed it to “Truetype”, and magically the problem was solved.
I just spent five #$%^ing hours trying to fix the dot over the “i”, and nobody in the entire #$%^ing world will give a shit.
What am I doing with my life?
Kudos
These jokes don’t write themselves, and they probably weren’t written by George or darkmare either. Nevertheless, they sent in the jokes that you’ll be reading this week, so thanks goes out to them for the help they’ve given me. If you want to help out, please go to our submission page, or add flush2x@gmail.com to your list of recipients when you share jokes with friends and coworkers. Every bit helps!
Pax,
-f2x
The shopkeeper was dismayed when a brand new business much like his own opened up next door and erected a huge sign which read “BEST DEALS”.
He was horrified when another competitor opened up on his right, and announced its arrival with an even larger sign, reading “LOWEST PRICES”.
The shopkeeper was panicked, until he got an idea. He put the biggest sign of all over his own shop. It read, “MAIN ENTRANCE”.
A Russian and an American wrestler were set to square off for the Olympic Gold Medal. Before the final match, the American wrestler’s trainer came to him and said, “now, don’t forget all the research we’ve done on this Russian. He’s never lost a match because of this ‘Pretzel’ hold he has, whatever you do don’t let him get you in this hold! If he does, you’re finished!”
The wrestler nodded in acknowledgment.
As the match started, the American and the Russian circled each other several times, looking for an opening. All of a sudden, the Russian lunged forward, grabbing the American and wrapping him up in the dreaded pretzel hold.
A sigh of disappointment arose from the crowd and the trainer buried his face in his hands, for he knew all was lost. He couldn’t watch the inevitable happen. Suddenly, there was a scream, then a cheer from the crowd and the trainer raised his eyes just in time to watch the Russian go flying up in the air. His back hit the mat with a thud and the American collapsed on top of him making the pin and winning the match.
The trainer was astounded. When he finally got the American wrestler alone, he asked, “how did you ever get out of that hold? No one has ever done it before!”
The wrestler answered,”well, I was ready to give up when he got me in that hold but at the last moment, I opened my eyes and saw his crotch right in front of my face. I had nothing to lose so with my last ounce of strength I stretched out my neck and bit those babies just as hard as I could.”
“So, the trainer exclaimed, ‘that is what finished him off?!”
“Not really. You’d be amazed how strong you get when you bite your own junk.”
Coming home from his Little League game, Billy swung open the front door very excited. Unable to attend the game, his father immediately wanted to know what happened. “So, how did you do son?” he asked.
“You’ll never believe it!” Billy said. “I was responsible for the winning run!”
“Really? How’d you do that?”
“I dropped the ball.”
After holding out for many years, Charlie’s mother finally got a smart phone. It didn’t take her long to figure out how to text, and within a few days he received a text from his mother that read: “What do IDK, LY & TTYL mean?”
He quickly tapped out the reply, “I don’t know, love you, & talk to you later.”
After a brief pause his mom sent, “Okay, I will ask your sister.”
