Category Archives: Jokes

Johnny and his best friend Wade were fishing one day and Wade said “well Johnny i have 1 cigarette and 1 match, I’m going to smoke now.” Johnny nodded his head and Wade lit the match. Well as he lit it the wind blew and the match went out. Disgusted Wade said “now what am I supposed to do? That was my only match!” Johnny said “I have this.” And he pulled out a foot long lighter. Wade said “where did you get this lighter?” Johnny said “remember when I went use the bathroom behind them bushes? Well I tripped on a well and a genie popped out and said he will grant me 1 wish…” and before Johnny could finish Wade jumped up and ran for the bushes. Just like Johnny said he tripped on a well and the genie popped out and said “I will grant you one wish.” Wade with a big smile said “I want a million bucks!” The genie said “granted, return to your fishing and enjoy your wish.” After Wade returns Johnny asked “what did you wish for?” Wade said “a million bucks!” Johnny then said “oh no!” And covered his head. A few seconds later ducks started falling from the sky. After a million fell Wade said “what the fuck? That genie must have misheard me!” Johnny then said “do you really think I wished for a 12 inch bic?”

Tax Man
At the end of the tax year, the Tax Office sent an inspector to audit the books of a synagogue. While he was checking the books he turned to the Rabbi and said: “I notice you buy a lot of candles. What do you do with the candle drippings?”
“Good question”, noted the Rabbi. “We save them up and send them back to the candle makers, and every now and then they send us a free box of candles.”
“I see!” replied the auditor, thinking hard about how he could fluster the know-it-all Rabbi. “Well, Rabbi”, he went on, “What do you do with all the leftover foreskins from the circumcisions you perform?”
“Here, too, we do not waste”, answered the Rabbi. “What we do is save up all the foreskins and send them to the Tax Office, and about once a year they send us a complete prick.”
Happy Monday

A kindergarten teacher comes to class and says, “Today class I am going to give you a letter of the alphabet and I want you to give me a word that begins with that letter.” She begins with the letter “A” and all the kids raise their hands. There is one kid in the back named Johnny that is real eager to answer the question, but the teacher knows that he is always vulgar and likes to use obscenities so she chooses on little Mary to answer.
Mary stands and says, “A…Apple” The teacher replies, “That’s great, Mary, good job.” So she moves on to the letter “B”, and again Johnny is still eager to answer the question, but the teacher is sure that he will probably say “Bitch” or something like that so she calls on Todd. Todd says, “B…Baseball.” And the teacher replies, ” Good Job, Todd.”
So they start going through the alphabet and the class’ attention dwindles, except for Johnny. The teacher comes to the letter “R” and no one, except for Johnny, is raising their hand so she is forced to call on him. “Okay Johnny, what starts with R?” she says. “R…Rat” Johnny replies.
“Rat, …that’s it…rat?” the teacher questions with astonishment.
“Yeah,” says Johnny, “Big-ass mother-fuckin’ rat with a dick 12 inches long.”

One day, during a lesson on proper grammar, the teacher asked for a
show of hands from those who could use the word “beautiful” in the
same sentence twice. First, she called on little Suzie, who responded
with, “My father bought my mother a beautiful dress and she looked
beautiful in it.” “Very good, Suzie,” replied the teacher. She then
called on little Michael. “My mommy planned a beautiful banquet and
it turned out beautifully,” he said. “Excellent, Michael!” Then, the
teacher called on little Johnny. “Last night, at the dinner table, my
sister told my father that she was pregnant, and he said, ‘Beautiful,
just fucking beautiful!'”

Little Johnnys’ Dad realized it was time to have “The Talk” with him. After a long and uncomfortable chat about the birds and the bees he paused and asked little Johnny if he had any questions.
Little Johnny thinks for a moment and says”Just one. What does a vagina look like?”
Well asks the Dad, before sex or after?
Little Johnny says, Before sex I guess.
Dad says, Picture if you will a bueatiful flower with soft delicate petals.
Oh says Johnny. Sounds nice. Just out of curiosity what does it look like after sex?
Well says Dad, picture if you will a bulldog eating mayonnaise.

During one of her daily classes, a teacher trying to teach good manners, asked her students the following question:

‘Michael, if you were on a date having dinner with a nice young lady, how would you tell her that you have to go to the bathroom?’

Michael said: ‘Just a minute I have to go pee.’

The teacher responded by saying:

‘That would be rude and impolite.

What about you Sherman, how would you say it?’

Sherman said :’I am sorry, but I really need to go to the bathroom. I’ll be right back.’

‘That’s better, but it’s still not very nice to say the word bathroom at the dinner table.

And you, little Johnny, can you use your brain for once and show us your good manners?’

Johnny said: ‘I would say: May I please be excused for a moment? I have to go and shake hands with a very dear friend of mine that has been hanging around; i hope to introduce you to him after dinner.’

The teacher fainted.

A first-grade teacher, Ms. Brooks, was having trouble with one of her students. The teacher asked, “Harry, what’s your problem?”

Harry answered, “I’m too smart for the 1st grade. My sister is in the 3rd grade and I’m smarter than she is! I think I should be in the 3rd grade too!”

Ms. Brooks had had enough. She took Harry to the principal’s office.

While Harry waited in the outer office, the teacher explained to the principal what the situation was. The principal told Ms. Brooks he would give the boy a test. If he failed to answer any of his questions he was to go back to the 1st grade and behave. She agreed.

Harry was brought in and the conditions were explained to him and he agreed to take the test.

Principal: “What is 3 x 3?”

Harry: “9.”

Principal: “What is 6 x 6?”

Harry: “36.”

And so it went with every question the principal thought a 3rd grader should know.

The principal looks at Ms. Brooks and tells her, “I think Harry can go to the 3rd grade”

Ms. Brooks says to the principal, “Let me ask him some questions.”

The principal and Harry both agreed.

Ms. Brooks asks, “What does a cow have four of that I have only two of?”

Harry, after a moment: “Legs.”

Ms. Brooks: “What is in your pants that you have but I do not have?”

The principal wondered why would she ask such a question!

Harry replied: “Pockets.”

Ms. Brooks: “What does a dog do that a man steps into?”

Harry: “Pants.”

Ms. Brooks: What starts with a C, ends with a T, is hairy, oval, delicious and contains thin, whitish liquid?”

Harry: “Coconut.”

The principal sat forward with his mouth hanging open.

Ms. Brooks: “What goes in hard and pink then comes out soft and sticky?”

The principal’s eyes opened really wide and before he could stop the answer, Harry replied, “Bubble gum.”

Ms. Brooks: “What does a man do standing up, a woman does sitting down and a dog does on three legs?”

Harry: “Shake hands.”

The principal was trembling.

Ms. Brooks: “What word starts with an ‘F’ and ends in ‘K’ that means a lot of heat and excitement?”

Harry: “Firetruck.”

The principal breathed a sigh of relief and told the teacher, “Put Harry in the fifth-grade, I got the last seven questions wrong.”

Teacher asks class for a story with a moral in it.

Susie on the front row puts her hand up, “Miss, in the school holidays I went to visit my aunt on her farm. One morning she went to the hen house and collected the eggs, but on her way back she tripped and dropped the eggs and they all broke”.

“Very good” says the teacher, “and what is the moral”

“Dont put all your eggs in one basket”. Replies Susie.

Mary puts her hand up. “Miss, my Mum took me into town at the weekend, my Uncle is a chef in a big hotel and we went to see him.

He was making soup and everyone in the kitchen kept adding things to it. In the end it got burnt and tasted horrible”.

“Very good, and what is your moral”.

“Too many cooks spoil the broth Miss”.

Johnny puts his hand up. “Miss, in the war my Grandad was in the trenches. All his friends had been killed, and 100 Germans were coming. All he had was a rifle, a bayonet, one bullet and a bottle of whiskey”.

“What did your Grandad do” asked the teacher.

Johnny replied, “He put the bullet in his gun and fitted the bayonet, then he drank the bottle of whiskey. He jumped out of the trench, shot the German officer then killed the other 99 with his bayonet and his bare hands”.

Teacher is amazed by this and says, “Johnny that is a fantastic story, but what is the moral to it”.

Johnny says “Don’t fuck with my Grandad when he’s been drinkin’ whiskey”.

A professor at Ohio State University was giving a lecture on Paranormal Studies . To get a feel for his audience, he asks, “How many people here believe in ghosts?”

About 90 students raise their hands.

“Well, that’s a good start. Out of those who believe in ghosts, do any of you think you have seen a ghost?”

About 40 students raise their hands.

“That’s really good. I’m really glad you take this seriously. Has anyone here ever talked to a ghost?”

About 15 students raise their hand.

“Has anyone here ever touched a ghost?”

Three students raise their hands.

“That’s fantastic. Now let me ask you one question further…Have any of you ever made love to a ghost?”

Way in the back, Hamad raises his hand.

The professor takes off his glasses and says, “Son, all the years I’ve been giving this lecture, no one has ever claimed to have made love to a ghost. You’ve got to come up here and tell us about your experience.”

The Middle Eastern student replied with a nod and a grin, and began to make his way up to the podium. When he reached the front of the room, the professor asks, “So, Hamad, tell us what it’s like to have sex with a ghost?”

Hamad replied, “Shit, from way back there I thought you said goats.”

A guy is browsing in a pet shop, and sees a parrot sitting on a little perch.

It doesn’t have any feet or legs.

The guy says aloud, ‘Jeesh, I wonder what happened to this parrot.?’

The parrot says, ‘I was born this way. I’m a defective parrot.’

‘Holy crap,’ the guy replies. ‘You actually understood and answered me. !’

‘I got every word,’ says the parrot. ‘I happen to be a highly intelligent, and a thoroughly educated bird’

‘Oh yeah?’ the guy asks. ‘Then answer this, how do you hang onto your perch, without any feet.?’

‘Well,’ the parrot says, ‘this is very embarrassing, but since you asked, I wrap my weenie around this wooden bar, like a little hook. You can’t see it, because of my feathers.’

‘Wow,’ says the guy. ‘You really can understand, and can speak English, can’t you.?’

‘Actually, I speak both Spanish and English, and I can converse with reasonable competence on almost any topic, politics, religion, sports, physics, philosophy. I’m especially good at ornithology. You really ought to buy me, I’d be a great companion.’

The guy looks at the $200.00 price tag.
‘Sorry, but I just can’t afford that.’
‘Pssssssst,’ says the parrot, ‘I’m defective, so the truth is, nobody wants me, cause I don’t have any feet.
You can probably get me for $20, just make the guy an offer.!’

The guy offers $20, and walks out with the parrot.

Weeks go by.The parrot is sensational. He has a great sense of humor, he’s interesting, he’s a great pal, he understands everything, he sympathizes, and he’s insightful. The guy is delighted.

One day the guy comes home from work, and the parrot goes, ‘Psssssssssssst,’ and motions him over with one wing.
‘I don’t know if I should tell you this or not, but it’s about your wife, and the UPS man.’

‘What are you talking about,?’ asks the guy.

‘When the UPS man delivered a package today, your wife greeted him at the door, in a sheer black nightie.’

‘WHAT???’ the guy asks incredulously.

‘THEN what happened?’
‘Well, then the UPS man came into the house, and lifted up her nightie, and began petting her all over,’ reported the parrot.

‘NO!’ he exclaims, ‘and she let him.?’

‘Yes. Then he continued taking off the nightie, got down on his knees, and began to kiss her all over.’

Then the frantic guy demands, ‘THEN WHAT HAPPENED.?’

DUNNO?!? I got a hard on, and fell off my perch.