A psychiatrist was doing his rounds in a mental hospital.

In the first room he saw a patient standing on his bed and swinging an imaginary bat. He asked the patient what he was doing.

The patient said, “I’m not going to be here forever, so when I get better I want to be a baseball player.”

The doctor remarked that was a good goal to have and moved to the second room where he saw a patient standing on his bed swinging an imaginary golf club.

The doctors asked him what he was doing and the patient replied, “I’m not going to be here forever. When I get better I want to be a golfer.”

The doctor said that it is good to have goals and moved on to the third room where he saw the patient standing on his bed pouring a bowl of cashews down his pants while performing pelvic thrusts.

The doctor asked, “hat the hell are you doing?”

The patient responded, “I’m never getting out of here! I’m fucking nuts!”

John had just gotten out of prison. All he had in his possession was a shoe lace and $10.00. While he was in prison, all he could think about was eating pussy. That is all he wanted to do when he finally got out.

Now that he was out and had some money, he went to the nearest whorehouse to fulfill his dream. He went up to the counter, slapped his $10.00 bill on the counter, and told the person, “I want to eat some pussy.”

The guy behind the counter looked at him, and said, “Dude, this is $10. I can’t get you anything for that. What year do you think it is?”

John grabbed the guy by the collar and started shaking him “I just got out of prison. Im going to eat some pussy if it’s the last thing I do.”

“Okay, okay….I think we can work something out,” the guy said.

He led John to the back of the whore house to the oldest, most used up worker in the place. “Well…this is what you get for $10.”

John didn’t care. He started going to town. While he was doing the deed, he felt something get stuck between his teeth. It was a Corn Flake. “Okayyyy,” he thought. He had corn flakes for breakfast, so not a big deal. He continued on his quest until he felt something else get stuck in his teeth. It was chipped beef. “Okay, this is really weird”, he thought. They sometimes served chipped beef in prison, but John hasn’t had it in weeks. He started to feel ill and said, “I think I’m going to throw up.”

The worker looked down at him and said, “That’s what the last guy said.”

A man walks down the street and suddenly notices his watch has stopped working.

He looks around looking for a watch shop nearby. At the end of the street he sees a small store with a big clock hanging outside and he goes over there. When he enteres the store, to his surprise he does not see a display of watches, but only a long counter, behind it sits a Jewish rabbi with a long white beard.

“Hello,” the man says, “Can you please check my watch, I think it broke down.”

“I’m sorry,” the seller says “I do not know anything about watches. I am a mohel. I perform circumcisions”.

“How nice,” the man answers “definitely important work.” He continues. “But if so, why did you hang a large clock outside your store?”

“Well,” replies the mohel “What do you expect me to hang out there?”

A chicken walked into a public library, marched up to the desk and said, “Bok, bok , bok, bok.”

So, the librarian handed the bird a book, the chicken accepted it and then left.

Ten minutes later, the chicken returned, threw the book on the desk and said, “Bok, bok, bok, bok.”

Once again the librarian handed the chicken a book, the chicken accepted it, and then left.

Ten minutes later, the chicken was back again! It marched up to the librarian, threw the book on the desk, then said, “Bok, bok, bok, bok.”

The librarian handed the chicken a third book, but this time decided to follow the bird. She watched the chicken hurry down the street and stop at a pond, where there was a frog sitting on a lily pad.

The chicken showed the book to the frog, but the frog just shook its head and said, “reddit, reddit, reddit”

The old man is beloved in his community and everyone is sad. He calls his family in and tells them “for my last wish, I want a license to practice law. I don’t care how much you have to spend or who you have to bribe but I can not die happy unless I have that license.”

They are very puzzled but are determined to carry out his last wish. It takes a couple of weeks but they bribe some officials and get someone to claim to be him and pass the bar exam. Finally the license arrives when he is on his deathbed.

He says “Now I can die happy knowing that some good will come of this, and my friends and family will not be sad, because now when I die there will be one less lawyer”

The forest animals decided that they didn’t like stepping on crap every day, so they got together and built an outhouse.

Everything was great and forest floor was much cleaner after that. But one day, they found out, that window on the outhouse was broken. So they held a meeting and asked if anybody knew anything about the broken window.

Sheepishly, the rabbit said, “I am a bit embarrassed, but last night I was using the outhouse, when the bear came in. He grabbed me, did his business, then he wiped his ass with me and threw me out the window.”

The animals reprimanded bear and made him fix the window, but after a couple of days the door was smashed. Another meeting was called and again asked if anybody knew anything about the broken door.

Sheepishly the fox said, “I am a bit embarrassed, but last night as I was using the outhouse, the bear came in. He did same thing with me as with rabbit a few days ago, but he threw me out through the door.”

So the animals again reprimanded the bear, made him repair the door, and explained as best as possible that this behavior will not be tolerated.

Then two days later, the whole outhouse was destroyed. It was completely smashed to pieces. Again a meeting was called and asked if anybody knew anything about it.

Sheepishly, the porcupine said, “I am a bit embarrassed…”

A boy comes home from college

He was a bright kid, and the first person from his small town to actually attend college. So when he came home, no expenses were spared.

The town threw a huge party in the center of town, with everyone cooking and bringing a dish. There was music, dancing, food, all to celebrate his return.

As the town sat down to eat, the boys father raises a toast. After he asks the boy,

“So, what did ya learn, out there at that fancy school o’ yours?”

“Well” says the son, “π r²”

All of a sudden, the father knocks his son to the ground.

“Dad what’s wrong!?!” The son says

The father, furious, says,

“You mean to tell me, that we spent all this money, you spent all that time, just to tell me Pie are square?!?!? We know that Pie are round!!!! Corn bread are square!!!”

“A ventriloquist cowboy walked into town and saw a rancher sitting on his porch with his dog:
Cowboy: “Hey, cool dog. Mind if I speak to him?”
Rancher: “This dog don’t talk!”
Cowboy: “Hey dog, how’s it going?”
Dog: “Doin alright”
Rancher: (Extreme look of shock)
Cowboy: “Is this your owner? (pointing at rancher)”
Dog: “Yep.”
Cowboy: “How’s he treat you?”
Dog: “Real good. He walks me twice a day, feeds me great food, and takes me to the lake once a week to play.”
Rancher: (Look of disbelief)
Cowboy: “Mind if I talk to your horse?”
Rancher: “Horses don’t talk!”
Cowboy: “Hey horse, how’s it goin?”
Horse: “Cool.”
Rancher: (an even wilder look of shock)
Cowboy: “Is this your owner?” (pointing at rancher)
Horse: “Yep.”
Cowboy: “How’s he treat you?”
Horse: “Pretty good, thanks for asking. He rides me regularly, brushes me down often, and keeps me in the barn to protect me from the elements.”
Rancher: (total look of amazement)
Cowboy: “Mind if I talk to your SHEEP?”
Rancher: (stuttering, and hardly able to talk)……
“Th-Th-Them sheep ain’t nothin but liars!!!””

Two men were adrift in a lifeboat for days. While rummaging through the boat’s provisions, one of the men stumbled across an old lamp. When he touched it, a genie came forth. This particular genie, however, stated that she could deliver only one wish, not the standard three. Without giving much thought, the man blurted out, “Turn the entire ocean into beer!” The genie clapped her hands and the entire sea turned into brew.

The other man looked in disgust at the one who made the wish and said, “Nice going! Now we’re going to have to pee in the boat.”

An armed masked man burst into a bank and yelled “EVERYBODY PUT YOUR HANDS UP, THIS IS A ROBBERY!”

Terrified, the patrons and staff complied.

As the robber loaded up his sack with cash, his mask slipped off. He quickly pulled it back up and saw two guys who may have seen his face.

He pointed his gun at the first guy, “Did you see my face?”

“Yes”

BANG! He shot him dead on the spot.

The robber pointed his gun at the second guy, “Did you see my face?”

The second guy pointed to a woman sitting in the reception area, “No, but my mother in law did!”