Donna and Sam were reading the evening paper, when Donna let out a chuckle.
“Get this, Sam,” she said to her husband. “Some guy put an ad in here offering to swap his wife for a season ticket at the stadium! Could you imagine doing anything like that?”
“That’s just crazy,” said Sam. “I would never do something like that!”
“Aww honey,” Donna cooed, “You’re so sweet!”
“Only an idiot would make such an offer,” Sam added. “The season is already half over!”
Excited about her new purchase, the 16 year old girl raced home and tried on her new bikini. She was so thrilled with how it looked that she showed it to her mother.
“Well, what do you think, Mom?” asked the daughter.
Her mother cooly replied, “If I had worn that when I was your age, you would be 5 years older now.”
Pick a Topic. Any Topic. OK, any topic but that one.
“Isn’t it strange that we talk least about the things we think about most?” -Charles Lindbergh
Some people never shut up. It seems like they just keep on talking and talking. I have a friend who will start talking to you, and she’ll keep on talking to you even as you are walking out the door. Even when you close the door behind you, she’s still having that conversation as if you were standing right there in front of her. This is an extreme example, but I imagine like most of us, she frequently has thoughts that she’d never say out loud.
Generally speaking, our brains are wired to protect us from ourselves. Of course it doesn’t always work, but it usually keeps you from falling off a cliff, or rolling around in lava, or saying shit that might get you killed. The latter may not seem to apply to celebrities on Twitter, but they’re all pretty much still breathing.
While those thoughts we never say lay the foundations of our mental house of cards, no amount of waterboarding, drunkenness, or pentothal could ever force us to utter those thoughts aloud. It’s a hard coded priority that takes precedence over self-preservation. Even the most cowardly would die before they would speak.
So if you’ve ever worried about those thoughts in your head, take comfort in knowing that you’re not the only one who has them. Everyone has them. On the other hand, the thoughts you never tell are unique unto you, and no matter how many friends you have, you are still very much alone.
Pax,
-f2x
A nun and a priest were traveling across the desert when the camel they were using for transportation collapsed and died. They set up a make-shift camp, hoping someone would come to their rescue, but to no avail.
After several days of not being rescued, the priest said to the nun, “You know, Sister, I am about to die, and I’ve always wanted to see a naked woman. Would you mind taking off your clothes so I can look at you?”
The nun agreed to take off her clothes, and as she was doing so remarked, “Well, Father, now that I think about it, I’ve never seen a naked man. Would you mind taking off your clothes too?”
With little hesitation, the priest also stripped. Suddenly the nun exclaimed, “Father! What is that little thing hanging between your legs?”
The priest patiently answered, “That, my child, is a gift from God. If I put it in you, it creates a new life.”
“Well forget about me,” responded the nun. “Stick it in that damn camel!”
An old Jewish man was walking along the beach with his only grandson. Suddenly a giant wave crashed into the shore and swept the boy out to sea.
The old man looked up to the heavens and said, “Oh Lord, this is my only grandson, how can you take him away from me like this? My son will not understand. My daughter-in-law will die from grief!”
Another wave crashed into the shore and left the boy at the old man’s feet.
The grandfather looked up to the heavens again and said, “He had a hat!”
Two fellows were sitting in a coffee shop when suddenly the town’s fire alarm went off.
One of the men jumped up and ran for the door. His friend shouted, “I didn’t know you were a fireman!”
His buddy replied, “I’m not, but my girlfriend’s husband is!”
The circus was in town, and the owner walked into a local bar to promote the show and mingle with the townsfolk. He was surprised to find everyone crowded about a table watching a little show of their own.
On the table was an upside down pot and a duck tap dancing on it. The circus owner was so impressed that he offered to buy the duck from its owner. After some haggling, they settled on $5000 for the duck and the pot.
The next day the circus owner came back to the bar in anger, “Your duck is a ripoff! I put him on the pot before the whole audience and he didn’t dance a single step!”
“Look, a deal’s a deal, so it’s not my problem anymore,” came the retort of the duck’s former owner, “but did you even bother to light the candle under the pot?”
For their 25th wedding anniversary, the Thompsons took a vacation on a Alaskan cruise ship. Back home, the housekeeper was doing her usual chores when the telephone rang.
“May I speak with Mr. Thompson, please?” requested the caller.
“I’m sorry, but Mr. Thompson is out of town to celebrate his anniversary,” explained the housekeeper.
“Oh, I see,” said the caller. “Then may I speak with Mrs. Thompson?”
The Past, Present, and Future
Many philosophies try to steer you into being mindful of the present, not to live in the past, or worry about the future. While it’s generally OK to honor the past and plan for the future, you’re supposed to spend only a necessary amount of time to the task… then stop thinking about it, and get back to work.
But it’s never that easy. The past, present, and future are deeply intertwined, and these days the past can haunt. I can only imagine how a future #metoo campaign will attack me over my role in curating a daily joke website that brazenly featured taboo jokes. Fortunately, this ain’t Twitter. No one reads this or even knows who I am, so for now I think I’m pretty safe.
The present is constantly dropping hints that you need to make future plans. That strange hum in your car’s engine is telling you that you will be spending a lot of money soon. The aunt who’s health just took a turn for the worse, is notice that you’re gonna need to have your suit cleaned and pressed for when you’re asked to serve as a pallbearer. Come to think of it, every close person older than you is a funeral you’ll likely be attending.
And what of this thing called future? It’s the one thing that people worry about more than anything else. It’s the only thing we can have any hope of changing but seldom do. It’s going to get here whether you worry about it or not, but if you don’t give it proper consideration, it’s likely to deliver you the “unpleasant” version of itself.
Ultimately it’s up to you to decide how and where to focus your mind. I tend to look at it like driving down a busy road with lots of intersections and stop and go traffic. If you don’t keep moving, everyone will leave you behind. It is dangerous to focus only on the road right in front of you. Keep a broad outlook of what lies ahead and be mindful of your environment. It also helps to know where you’re going, but be prepared to take a few detours.
I admit that it’s not a perfect philosophy, but it’s a starting point for you to find your own path.
Pax,
-f2x
