Jane repined over the fact that her boyfriend seemed to be so afraid of commitment.
“Tell me about it,” said her friend Martha. “I’ve been living with this guy for over a year, and I finally had to give him an ultimatum.”
“Really?” said Jane, “What did you tell him?”
“I looked him in the eye and said, ‘Either tell me your name, or pack your shit and get out of my house!'”
…who passed his friend on the trail one day?
Cannibal, n.: A person who’s fed up with people.
Q: What did the cannibal do after he dumped his girlfriend?
A: Wiped.
Two cannibals were having lunch.
One said, “Your wife sure does make good soup!”
The other replied, “Yeah, but I’m gonna miss her.”
People say cannibals are horrible folks, but the one I knew was just a regular anthropophagi.
In the clinic lobby, a man was arguing with the nurse on the other side of the counter.
“Now see here!” shouted the indignant man. “When I give blood, it’s not unreasonable to expect a nurse to extract it from me!”
Cooly, the nurse replied, “This is a sperm bank, Mr. Johnson. It doesn’t work that way.”
How do you get a gender-studies major off of your porch?
Pay for the pizza!
It annoys me that Engineering students call themselves engineers.
You don’t hear medical students calling themselves doctors, or art students calling themselves unemployed.
Why did the feminist fail algebra?
She couldn’t solve inequalities.
How many feminists does it take to change a lightbulb?
Ten. One to change the lightbulb and nine to blog about how empowering it was.
Genders are like the Twin Towers
There used to be two of them and now its a really sensitive subject.
The doorbell rang and since Mrs. Hudson was away for the weekend Dr. Watson answered the door.
When he opened the door, he saw a schoolgirl standing before him. “May I help you?” he asked the young lady.
“Sir, I’m here to see Sherlock Holmes,” she replied.
The good doctor showed her to Holmes’ study and quietly closed the door as he left the room.
A few minutes later, Watson heard what appeared to be the sounds of a great struggle coming from the room. Watson concluded that the evil Professor Moriarty had been cleverly disguised as the schoolgirl and was doing away with the great detective!
Bounding across the room, Watson burst through the door only to see a naked Holmes lying atop the schoolgirl.
Shocked by the display, the good doctor sputtered, “I say, Holmes, just what sort of a schoolgirl is this?”
Holmes looked up and calmly replied, “Elementary, my dear Watson.”
The DreamHost Nightmare
It happened again this past week: Database connection errors. It’s really frustrating. Perhaps you’ve seen the 503 errors too. This is hardly a misconfiguration on my part. It’s the misfortune of getting the cheapest hosting option.
When Siteground, my last hosting provider, went from reasonable to rapacious, I decided it was time to seek out a more budget friendly option. I got three years of DreamHost for under $220, and I figured I was set… Well it’s more like I was set up. At first it was just a little sluggishness, but now it’s tossing out failure messages.
So how’s that customer support? Well, you go through the trouble of typing out a detailed explanation of the problem thinking you’re opening a support ticket, and the next thing you know, they’ve redirected you to a nebulously related FAQ page based on key words in your support request… which is now gone as if you’d never typed it in the first place. So yeah… that’ll piss off just about anyone, but it nearly gave me an aneurysm
So this problem could be solved with either time or money. If I had the time, I could set up my own web server and host from home. If I had the money, I could just buy a better web hosting plan. Sadly I have neither at the moment, so it looks like these little outages will be a part of Flush Twice and mBlip for the foreseeable future.
Unbelievable! While typing this little rant, I had to take a break because the system went down yet again. Seriously, if you are looking for a web host, you might want to look past DreamHost.
(Update 5-26-2019 13:19) It just did it again, and I finally found where to submit a support ticket. The ball’s in their court. Let’s see how they handle it.
(Update 5-27-2019 23:39) So they got back with me by email. The response was disappointing. They started out by saying, “It looks like what you are running on the sites are exceeding available resources on the shared hosting service, which can cause the site to perform slower since processes may take longer to complete or fail due to resources…” It then goes on to suggest upgrading plugins, optimizing the sites, and if all else fails, upgrading to their $VPS plan$. Essentially, Dreamhost is telling me that now that my refund window has closed, my wordpress installs are using up too many resources… Also, account holders have no way of seeing where that resource usage is actually coming from. I can tell you this: It’s not coming from having too many visitors. I’d also like to point out that they are complete assholes when it comes to “upgrades” because you’re not really upgrading. Your old plan stays in place, and you’re just buying an entirely new plan at full price, but they’re such nice crooks, they’ll happily migrate your sites over to the VPS at no additional charge.
Now that I have a home fiber connection, I’m going to look into setting up my own server again. A goddamn 286 running DOS 2.1 would be better than these jackels’ shit servers.
Kudos
This week, we have more jokes from Glenn, and a couple of fan-freakin-tastic contributions from “T.O.R.”. Glenn tells me that George is doing much better now, and he should be back next week. In the meantime, the submission page is awaiting your best jokes, and flush2x@gmail.com is also a great way to send Flush Twice new jokes.
Pax,
-f2x
A belligerent drunk walked into a bar and hollered, “I can lick any man in this place!”
A customer seated near the entrance looked him up and down before remarking, “Crude, but direct. Tell me, is this your first time in a gay bar?
The obstetrician’s wife noticed a rather voluptuous guest was making overtures at her husband during a large informal gathering of his colleagues in their home. At first she tried to laugh it off until she saw them disappear into the bedroom together.
She immediately rushed into the room, pulled the two apart and yelled, “Listen, bitch! My husband just delivers babies, he doesn’t INSTALL them!”
Gerald mosied up to an attractive woman at the bar and asked, “Hey, babe, can I buy you a drink?”
The woman looked him over and asked, “Do you like sex?”
“Of course, I like sex,” said Gerald.
“Do you like to travel?” the woman inquired.
“Oh, I love to travel,” he remarked.
“Then fuck off.”
