Category Archives: Jokes

Last Saturday night, a routine police patrol was parked outside a bar in a small town in South Louisiana. After last call, the officer noticed a Old Cajun Dude leaving the bar so intoxicated that he could barely walk. The man stumbled around the parking lot for a few minutes, with the officer quietly observing.
After what seemed like an eternity, in which the OCD tried his keys on five different vehicles, he finally managed to find his car and fall into it. He sat there for a few minutes as a number of other patrons left the bar and drove off.
Finally, the OCD started the car, switched the wipers on and off (even though it was a fine, dry, summer night), flicked the blinkers on and off a couple of times, honked the horn and then switched on the lights. He moved the vehicle forward a few inches, reversed little and then remained still for a few more minutes as some more of the other bar patrons’ vehicles left. At last, when his was the only car left in the parking lot, he pulled out and drove slowly down the road.
The police officer, having waited patiently all this time, now started up his patrol car, put on the flashing lights, promptly pulled the Old Cajun Dude over and administered a Breathalyzer test. To the officer’s amazement, the Breathalyzer indicated no evidence that the OCD had consumed any alcohol at all !!!
Dumbfounded, the officer said “I’ll have to ask you to accompany me to the police station. This Breathalyzer equipment must be broken.”
“I doubt it officer,” the proud Old Cajun Dude said. “Tonight I was appointed to be Da Designated Decoy.”
🙂

Defense Attorney: Will you please state your age?
Little Old Lady: I am 86 years old.
Defense Attorney: Will you tell us, in your own words, what happened the night of April 1st?
Little Old Lady: There I was, sitting there in my swing on my front porch on a warm spring evening, when a young man comes creeping up on the porch and sat down beside me.
Defense Attorney: Did you know him?
Little Old Lady: No, but he sure was friendly.
Defense Attorney: What happened after he sat down?
Little Old Lady: He started to rub my thigh.
Defense Attorney: Did you stop him?
Little Old Lady: No, I didn’t stop him.
Defense Attorney: Why not?
Little Old Lady: It felt good. Nobody had done that since my Albert died some 30 years ago.
Defense Attorney: What happened next?
Little Old Lady: He began to rub my upper torso.
Defense Attorney: Did you stop him then?
Little Old Lady: No, I did not stop him.
Defense Attorney: Why not?
Little Old Lady: His rubbing made me feel all alive and excited. I haven’t felt that good in years!
Defense Attorney: What happened next?
Little Old Lady: Well, by then, I was feeling so “spicy” that I just laid down and told him “Take me, young man. Take me now!”
Defense Attorney: Did he take you?
Little Old Lady: Hell, no! He just yelled, “April Fools!”
And that’s when I shot him, the little bastard.

You might be shocked that I am sending you this warning, but it’s sincere:
WARNING! Older men scam
Women often receive warnings about protecting themselves at the mall and in dark parking lots, etc. This is the first warning I have seen for men. I wanted to pass it on in case you haven’t heard about it.
A ‘heads up’ for those men who may be regular customers at Lowe’s, Home Depot, Costco, or even Wal-Mart. This one caught me totally by surprise.
Over the last month I became a victim of a clever scam while out shopping. Simply going out to get supplies has turned out to be quite traumatic. Don’t be naive enough to think it couldn’t happen to you or your friends.
Here’s how the scam works:
Two nice-looking, college-aged girls will come over to your car or truck as you are packing your purchases into your vehicle. They both start wiping your windshield with a rag and Windex, with their breasts almost falling out of their skimpy T-shirts. (It’s impossible not to look). When you thank them and offer them a tip, they say ‘No’ but instead ask for a ride to McDonald’s.
You agree and they climb into the vehicle. On the way, they start undressing. Then one of them starts crawling all over you, while the other one steals your wallet.
I had my wallet stolen Mar. 4th, 9th, 10th, twice on the 15th, 17th, 20th, 24th, & 29th. Also Apr. 1st & 4th, twice on the 8th, 16th, 23rd, 26th & 27th, and very likely again this upcoming weekend.
So tell your friends to be careful. What a horrible way to take advantage of us older men. Warn your friends to be vigilant.
Wal-Mart has wallets on sale for $2.99 each. I found even cheaper ones for $.99 at the dollar store and bought them out in three of their stores.
Also, you never get to eat at McDonald’s. I’ve already lost 11 pounds just running back and forth from Lowe’s, to Home Depot, to Costco, Etc.
So please, send this on to all the older men that you know and warn them to be onthe lookout for this scam. (The best times are just before lunch and around 4:30 in the afternoon.)

A woman comes home and tells her husband, “Remember those Headaches I’ve been having all these years? Well, they’re gone.”
“No more headaches?”
the husband asks, “What happened?”
His wife replies, Margie referred me to a hypnotist.
He told me To Stand in front of a mirror, stare at myself and repeat,…
“I do not Have a Headache;
I do not have a headache,
I do not have a headache.
It Worked! The headaches are all gone.”
The husband replies, “Well, that is wonderful.”
His wife then says, “You know, you haven’t been exactly a ball Of Fire in the bedroom these last few years. Why don’t you go see the Hypnotist and see if he can do anything for that?”
The husband agrees to try it Following his appointment, The husband comes home, rips off his Clothes, picks up his wife and carries her into the bedroom. He Puts her on The bed and says, “Don’t move, I’ll be right back.”
He goes into The Bathroom and comes back. A few minutes later and jumps into bed And makes Passionate love to his wife like never before. His wife says, “Boy, that was wonderful!”
The husband says, “Don’t move! I will be right back.” He goes back Into the bathroom, comes back and round two was even better than The First time.
The wife sits up and her head is spinning. Her husband again says, “Don’t move, I’ll be right back.” With That, He goes back in the bathroom.
This time, his wife quietly follows him and there, in the Bathroom, She sees him standing at the mirror and saying,
*
“She’s not my Wife.
She’s Not my wife.
She’s not my wife…”
* His funeral services will be Sunday.

At a Senior Citizen’s luncheon, an elderly gentleman and an elderly lady struck up a conversation and discovered that they both loved to fish.
Since both of them were widowed, they decided to go fishing together the next day.
The gentleman picked the lady up, and they headed to the river to his fishing boat and started out on their adventure. They were riding down the river when there was a fork in the river, and the gentleman asked the lady, “Do you want to go up or down?”
All of a sudden the lady stripped off her shirt and pants and made mad passionate love to the man right there in the boat.
When they finished, the man couldn’t believe what had just happened, but he had just experienced the best sex that he’d had in years. They fished for a while and continued on down the river, when soon they came upon another fork in the river. He again asked the lady, “Up or down?”
There she went again, stripped off her clothes, and made wild passionate love to him again. This really impressed the elderly gentleman, so he asked her to go fishing again the next day.
She said yes and there they were the next day, riding in the boat when they came upon the fork in river, and the elderly gentleman asked, “Up or down?”
The woman replied, “Down.”
A little puzzled and disappointed, the gentleman guided the boat down the river when he came upon another fork in the river and he asked the lady, “Up or down?”
She replied, “Up.”
This really confused the gentleman so he asked, “what’s the deal? Yesterday, every time I asked you if you wanted to go up or down you made passionate love to me. Now today, nothing!”
She replied, “Well, yesterday I wasn’t wearing my hearing aid and I thought the choices were ‘f*** or drown’.

An old man takes his grandson fishing in a local pond one day. After 20 minutes of fishing, the old man fires up a cigar. The young boy asks, “Grandpa, can I have a cigar?” The old man asks, “Son, can your dick touch your asshole?” The young boy says no. “Then u can’t have a cigar.”
Another 20 minutes passes, and the old man opens a beer. The young boy asks, “Grandpa, can I have a beer?” The old man asks, “Son, can your dick touch your asshole?” The young boy says no. “Well, then u can’t have a beer.”
Another 20 minutes passes, and the young boy opens a bag of potato chips. The old man asks, “Son, can I have some of your chips?” The boy asks, “Well, Grandpa, can your dick touch your asshole?” The old man says, “It sure can.” The boy says, “Well good, then go fuck yourself, these are my chips.”

A man who just died is delivered to a local mortuary wearing an
expensive, expertly tailored black suit.
The female blonde mortician asks the deceased’s wife how she would
like the body dressed. She points out that the man does look good in the
black suit he is already wearing.
The widow, however, says that she always thought her husband looked
his best in blue, and that she wants him in a blue suit. She gives the
blonde mortician a blank check and says, ‘I don’t care what it costs,
but please have my husband in a blue suit for the viewing.’
The woman returns the next day for the wake. To her delight, she finds
her husband dressed in a gorgeous blue suit with a subtle chalk stripe;
the suit fits him perfectly.
She says to the mortician, ‘Whatever this cost, I’m very satisfied.
You did an excellent job and I’ m very grateful. How much did you
spend?’ To her astonishment, the blonde mortician presents her with the
blank check.
‘There’s no charge,’ she says.
‘No, really, I must compensate you for the cost of that exquisite blue
suit!’ she says.
‘Honestly, ma’am,’ the blonde says, ‘it cost nothing. You see, a
deceased gentleman of about your husband’s size was brought in shortly
after you left yesterday, and he was wearing an attractive blue suit. I
asked his wife if she minded him going to his grave wearing a black suit
instead, and she said it made no difference as long as he looked nice.’
‘So I just switched the heads.’

A guy has been asking the prettiest girl in town for a date and
finally she agrees to go out with him.
He takes her to a nice restaurant, buys her a fancy dinner with
expensive wine and on the way home he pulls over to the side of
the road in a secluded spot.
They start necking and he’s getting pretty excited. He starts to
reach under her skirt and she stops him, saying she’s a virgin
and wants to stay that way.
“Well, OK,” he says, “how a bout a blow job?”
“EEEEyyyyyyeeeew!” she screams. “I’m not putting that thing in
my mouth!”
He says, “Well then, how about a hand job?”
“I’ve never done that,” she says. “What do I have to do?”
“Well,” he answers, “remember when you were a kid and you used to shake up a Coke bottle and spray your brother with it?”
She nods.
“Well, it’s just like that.”
So he pulls it out and she grabs hold of it and starts shaking
it. A few seconds later, his head flops back on the headrest,
his eyes close, snot starts to run out of his nose, wax blows
out of his ears and he screams out in pain.
“What’s wrong?!” she cries out.
“TAKE YOUR THUMB OFF OF THE END!!!”

A woman was having sex in an apartment 20 floors high with another man . She then heard her husband coming … she told her lover to stay like a robot and not to move .
HUSBAND : What is this?
WIFE : This is a robot, I bought to have sex with when you are travelling…
HUSBAND: Okay… Let’s have sex now…
WIFE: No sweetheart… yesterday I got my period, so I will go and make a cup of coffee for you… !!
*After she left the husband said: Damn, I am so horny, I will f*ck this robot… he tried f*cking. The man started talking in a metallic robotic way…!!
“SYSTEM ERROR! …WRONG HOLE…! SYSTEM ERROR…! WRONG HOLE…!”
HUSBAND : Damn robot is not working properly… I am throwing it out of the window…The man realized that he was on the 20th floor and said…
*SOFTWARE UPDATED … PLEASE TRY FUCKING AGAIN.! *😀😁😂

A woman from New York was driving through a remote part of Arizona when her car broke down. An American Indian on horseback came along and offered her a ride to a nearby town.

She climbed up behind him on the horse and they rode off. The ride was uneventful, except that every few minutes the Indian would let out a Ye-e-e-e-h-a-a-a-a!’ so loud that it echoed from the surrounding hills and canyon walls.

When they arrived in town, he let her off at the local service station, yelled one final ‘Ye-e-e-e-h-a-a-a-a!’ and rode off.

“What did you do to get that Indian so excited?” asked the service-station attendant. “Nothing,” the woman answered “I merely sat behind him on the horse, put my arms around his waist, and held onto the saddle horn so I wouldn’t fall off.”

“Lady,” the attendant said, “Indians don’t use saddles.”