A Soviet filmmaker made a film called “Lenin in Warsaw.” Everybody showed up for the premiere. The film opened—on Lenin’s wife, Krupskaya, naked, while having mad sex with another man.

And then another.

And another.

And so on.

The film continues in the same vein for ninety minutes. Finally, the lights come up and the director takes questions from the audience.

The first question asked was, “Very interesting movie, comrade, but—where was Lenin?

”The director answered, “In Warsaw.”

In the years before World War II, in a little Polish village, a learned rabbi used to teach his students, “Life is like the ocean.” And they would nod and respond, “Yes, life is like the ocean.”

One young student was particularly taken with this philosophy, and he carried it with him through the long years of the war, which he barely survived.

Later becoming a rabbi in his own right, he moved to Philadelphia, and taught all his eager young students, “Life is like the ocean.”

Year after year, “Life is like the ocean.” And they would nod and respond, “Yes, life is like the ocean.”

One year, though, a student asked, “But Rabbi, why is life like the ocean?” And the rabbi had no answer.

Why is life like the ocean? The question haunted him. It plagued him so much that eventually he returned to his home village, hoping against hope to find his teacher still alive.

Incredibly, the rabbi had survived the war, though now was quite old and in fact lay on his death bed when the young man arrived. He knelt by the old rabbi’s side and entreated, “Rabbi, Rabbi, why is life like the ocean?”

The old man looked at him through watery eyes and replied, “Okay, so life isn’t like the ocean.”

An elderly couple was having dinner one evening when the husband reached across the table, took his wife’s hand in his and said, “Martha, soon we will be married 50 years, and there’s something I have to know. In all of these 50 years, have you ever been unfaithful to me?”

Martha replied, “Well Henry, I have to be honest with you. Yes, I’ve been unfaithful to you three times during these 50 years, but always for a good reason.

Henry was obviously hurt by his wife’s confession, but said, “I never suspected. Can you tell me what you mean by ‘good reasons?'”

Martha said, “The first time was shortly after we were married, and we were about to lose our little house because we couldn’t pay the mortgage.

Do you remember that one evening I went to see the banker and the next day he notified you that the loan would be extended?”

Henry recalled the visit to the banker and said, “I can forgive you for that. You saved our home, but what about the second time?”

Martha asked, “And do you remember when you were so sick, but we didn’t have the money to pay for the heart surgery you needed? Well, I went to see your doctor one night and, if you recall, he did the surgery at no charge.”

“I recall that,” said Henry. “And you did it to save my life, so of course I can forgive you for that. Now tell me about the third time.”

“Alright,” Martha said. “So do you remember when you ran for president of your golf club, and you needed 73 more votes?”

Joe and John were identical twins. Joe owned an old dilapidated boat and kept pretty much to himself. One day he rented out his boat to a group of out-of-staters who sank it.

Joe spent all day trying to salvage as much stuff as he could and was out of touch all that day and most of the evening. Unbeknownst to him, his brother John’s wife died suddenly. When he got back on shore he went into town to pick up a few things at the grocery.

A kind old woman there mistook him for John and said, “I’m so sorry for your loss, You must feel terrible”.

Joe, thinking she was talking about his boat said: “Hell no! Fact is I’m sort of glad to be rid of her. She was a rotten old thing from the beginning. Her bottom was all shriveled up and she smelled horrible. She was always
holding water. She had a bad crack in the back and a pretty big hole too.

“Every time I used her, her hole got bigger and she leaked like crazy. I guess what finally finished her off was
when I rented her to those four guys looking for a good time. I warned them that she wasn’t very good and smelled, but they wanted her anyway. The damn fools tried to get in her all at one time and she split right up the middle!”

The old woman fainted

A rancher needs a bull to service his cows but needs to borrow the money from the bank.

The banker who lent the money comes by a week later to see how his investment is doing.

The farmer complains that the bull just eats grass and won’t even look at the cows.

The banker suggests that a veterinarian have a look at the bull. The next week the banker returns to see if the vet helped.

The farmer looks very pleased “The bull has serviced all my cows, broke through the fence, and has serviced all my neighbor’s cows.”

“Wow,” says the banker, “what did the vet do to that bull?” “Just gave him some pills,” replied the farmer.

“What kind of pills?”

“I don’t know,” says the farmer, “but they sort of taste like peppermint.”

The owner of a restaurant sends his employee undercover to the vastly more successful restaurant across the road.

Before sending him, the owner says “That restaurant is ruining business here, all because of their famous chowder. I need their recipe ASAP!”

The employee manages to infiltrate the kitchen of the successful restaurant the next day and returns to his boss gleefully: “Boss, I think I have the recipe!”

The boss and the employee follow the recipe, however the result is rather runny.

“This can’t be right. It’s too watery for chowder.” says the boss. “Go back and try again!”

The employee infiltrates the kitchen a second time, and returns with a baffled look on his face.

“Boss, we had everything correct, except one. The secret ingredient!”

“Well? What is it?” responds the boss.

“It’s pages from a book.”

“What?” replies the boss. ” A book?”

“That’s right, the chef tears small bits off of the pages and mixes it into the chowder.”

A light bulb goes off in the bosses head, “I see! The plot thickens.”

An old Soviet communist lies on his death bed, on the verge of death. His friends are gathered around him all somber. The old man turns to one of them and says,

“Dimitri, remember in 1921 you were almost executed? Well, you should know that I ratted you out to the Cheka. I hope you forgive me.”

“Oh comrade, it is In the past and all is forgiven” says Dimitri.

The Communist then turns to another friend.

“Petya, remember being sentenced in 1937 to 25 years in the gulag? Well, it was me who went to the NKVD. Please forgive me.”

“No more hard feelings, my friend. You are forgiven,” says Petya.

“Misha, I must confess to you that I had you sent to the penal battalion in 1942. I am terribly sorry about that day.”

“Please my friend, we all forgive you. You may go in peace,” says Misha.

“Thank you, comrades, for being with me throughout all these years,” says the old communist with a tear streaming down his face. “I don’t know where I’d be if it wasn’t for you. I’m sorry for betraying you all, and I hope you will forgive me.”

His friends are visibly touched by his words. Finally, he gathers his last strength and says.

“And in honor of our deep friendship I want you to fulfill my last wish. See that cactus plant on the windowsill? As soon as I die, I want you to take it and shove it up my ass.”

Just as his friends were about to say something the old communist took his last breath.

So Petya goes to the window, takes the cactus plant off and with the other two holding up the old communist’s legs, shoves it up their dead friend’s butt. Suddenly, they hear a loud banging on the door followed by a gruff voice shouting:

“Open up, it’s the police. We’ve received information that an old Bolshevik has been tortured to death.”

A dying billionaire called in his doctor, lawyer, and priest for a talk, “For all your years of friendship and faithful service I’ve left each of you a generous gift in my will, but I want each of you to do one last thing for me. Here is one million dollars cash for each of you. I want you to slip it into my coffin before I’m buried. I want to see if everyone is wrong and I can take it with me.”

He dies soon after, and as the three are walking away from the grave site the priest mutters, “okay, my conscience is bothering me. I have to confess: I thought of all the good that money could do in our community; it seemed a shame to waste it. I donated half of it to a charity that provides for the poor. I only put half in the coffin.”

The doctor sighed, “I should confess too. I thought of how badly my hospital needs money for cancer research. I donated two thirds of it anonymously to our charity fund. I only put a third in the coffin.”

The lawyer, disgusted, let into the two, “Gentlemen, you made a solemn promise on our friend’s deathbed, and this is how you honor his final wishes? I’m ashamed, appalled, at your behavior! I for one put in a check for the full amount!”

A police officer came upon a terrible wreck…

A police officer came upon a terrible wreck where the driver and a passenger had been killed. As he looked upon the wreckage a little monkey came out of the brush and hopped around the crashed car. The officer looked down at the monkey and said, “I wish you could talk.”

The monkey looked up at the officer and nodded his head up and down.”
You can understand what I’m saying?” asked the officer.
Again, the monkey nodded his head up and down.
“Well, did you see this?”
“Yes,” motioned the monkey.
“What happened?”

The monkey pretended to have a can in his hand and turned it up by his mouth.
“They were drinking?” asked the officer.
The monkey nods his head, “Yes.”
“What else?”

The monkey pinched his fingers together and held them to his mouth.
“They were smoking marijuana?”
The monkey nods his head, “Yes.”
“What else?”

The monkey motioned “kissing.”
“They were kissing, too?” asked the astounded officer.
The monkey nods his head, “Yes.”

“Now wait, you’re saying your owners were drinking, smoking and kissing before they wrecked?”
The monkey nods his head, “Yes.”
“What were you doing during all this?”

“…Driving…” motioned the monkey.

A homeless guy walked into a bar. The bartender asks what he wants while encouraging him to leave.

The homeless man promises he’ll leave if he can get a cocktail stick.Reluctantly, without question, the bartender agrees and gives the homeless man a cocktail stick, and he’s back on his way.

A few minutes later, another homeless man walks into the bar and asks the same thing.

The bartender is confused. Not wanting to put his paying customers off, he shrugs, and offers the same deal, “I’ll give you one, if you leave immediately”.The homeless man agrees, grabs the cocktail stick and rushes back outside.

A while goes by, a 3rd homeless man walks in, before he could speak, the bartender stops him and says: “Let me guess, you want a cocktail stick?”

The homeless man says, “No, no! can I have a straw please?”

The bartender asks “Why? 2 of your buddies have come in asking for cocktail sticks, why do you want a straw?”

The homeless man replies: “Someone threw up outside, and all the best bits are gone”