- I researched your entire family tree and it seems you were the sap.
- You are so old, even your memory is in black and white.
- Ever since I saw you in your family tree, I’ve wanted to cut it down.
- You’re a person of rare intelligence. It’s rare when you show any.
- I used to think that you were a big pain in the neck. Now I have a much lower opinion of you.
- I heard your parents took you to a dog show and you won.
- You fear success, but really have nothing to worry about.
- You are proof that evolution CAN go in reverse.
- Brains aren’t everything. In fact in your case they’re nothing.
- Don’t you need a license to be that ugly?
- I look into your eyes and get the feeling someone else is driving.
- I love what you’ve done with your hair. How did you get it to come out of one nostril like that?
- In the battle of wits you’re an unarmed man.
- Moonlight becomes you — total darkness even more.
Pathos in the Plumbing
Flush Twice proudly presents:
Though somewhat rarer than the "good-ol'-days", many companies still offer paid holidays to their full time employees. My employer actually gives me Thanksgiving and Black Friday off with pay. Since I celebrated my 21st anniversary at work only a few weeks ago, I also have quite a bit of vacation time at my disposal.
Sadly, it's not enough for a permanent vacation, so I try to find ways to maximize my time away from work. My annual Thanksgiving stay-cation is a perfect example of how I do that. Using just three vacation days, I can take the entire week off! I do a similar thing for Christmas too.
Now you may be saying, "But Diet, doesn't your employer think it's pretty shitty of you to take so much time off around the holidays?" To which my reply is, "Who care what they think? I want my fucking time outa here. I've earned it, and they're going to give it to me."
I don't usually put my foot down in these areas, but this is one case where giving me time for myself is really in everyone's best interests, and they've never once turned down my annual Thanksgiving stay-cation request.
Kudos and Promos
Thanks for the jokes, George. If anyone out there is wondering what happened to the other guy, well... I'm still wondering about that too. Consequently I could use all the jokes I can get. Do you have a joke we can tell? Submit jokes via our submission page, or send an email to firstname.lastname@example.org.
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What is Flush Twice?
Flush Twice is a JOTD (Joke of the Day) website. New jokes are published every Monday through Friday (midnight EST). There is also a comic in the sidebar that updates every Saturday. We’ve been operating since May of 2003.
Jokes are generously provided by visitors like yourself. If you would like to contribute, please check out our submission page, or e-mail email@example.com. If you know anyone who constantly e-mails you jokes, forward them to us! We’ll take what we can get!
So what makes a joke funny? Well, it boils down to a sudden shift in perception. The story starts you thinking one way, then the punchline turns that thinking on its ear. The art of the joke is to craft a short story that isn’t overly contrived, then deliver a punchline that suddenly shifts your perception about the story you were being told.
Many of the jokes on this site are offensive, and we make no apologies for it. Offensive jokes work by making the reader uncomfortable through the use of a taboo subject thus enhancing the underlying humor. Without the offensive element, the joke would simply not be as funny.
(Just thought you might like to know.)
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