Monthly Archives: July 2018

A domestic disturbance was in progress. There was yelling, banging and crashing, and blood curdling screams so loud that it woke the neighbors across the street.

One of the neighbors was standing out on her front lawn with her cell phone. The man next door to her approached and said, “I just got ahold of the cops. They’re on their way now.”

Looking down the street she could see the lights on the police cruisers coming towards them. The woman looked at her phone and tapped the button to end her call.

“I’ve been on hold with 9-1-1 for the past 10 minutes,” remarked the woman “How the hell did you get ahold of the police so fast?”

“Easy,” said the man. “I called Dunkin’ Donuts.”

It was a high profile criminal trial in a small town. Jeb Junior was brutally killed in his own barn. The man accused of killing him was on trial for the murder, and the prosecutor finally got him up on the witness stand.

“Did you kill Jeb Junior on the night of April 23rd?” asked the prosecutor point blank.

“No, I did not,” replied the defendant with his eyes looking down.

Suspecting that the witness was lying, the prosecutor asked, “Do you know what the penalties are for perjury?”

“Yes, I do,” said the defendant. “And they’re a hell of a lot better than the penalties for murder.”

The highway patrol pulled alongside a car speeding down the freeway.

Glancing over at it, the officer was astounded to see that the woman at the wheel was actually knitting!

The cop cranked down his window and yelled, “PULL OVER!”

“NO,” the woman yelled back, “IT’S A PAIR OF SOCKS!”

David went on a field trip with his class to a working farm. When he got home his mother asked him if he had a good time.

“Boy did I!” exclaimed David. “It was great! We saw sheep, horses, goats, chickens, and fuckers!”

David’s mother was a bit startled by that last one, but judging by David’s obliviousness, she decided to remain calm and ask him about it. “I know what the sheep and the rest are, but what is a fucker?”

“Oh, they’re the animals that give us milk,” said David matter of factly.

“But who said they were called fuckers?”

“Our teacher,” explained David. “Well actually she called them ‘effers’, but we all knew what she meant.”

A weasel walks into a bar and takes a seat. The bartender is astonished.

“In all my years of tending this bar, this is the first time I’ve ever seen a weasel come in here,” the bartender says. “So, what’ll you have?”

“Pop,” goes the weasel.

Marvin was enjoying a beer in the outdoor seating area at his local tavern when a Nun suddenly appeared at his table and started decrying the evils of drink.

“You should be ashamed of yourself!” she chastised. “Drinking is a Sin! Alcohol is the devil’s drink!”

“How would you know, Sister?” asked Marvin sceptically.

“Mother Superior told me so,” came the nun’s resolute reply.

“But have you ever had a drink yourself?” pressed Marvin. “How can you be sure that what you are saying is right?”

“Don’t be ridiculous,” scoffed the nun. “Of course I have never taken alcohol myself.”

“Then let me buy you a drink,” offered Marvin. “If you still believe afterwards that it is evil, I will give up drink for life.”

“How could I, a Nun, sit outside this public house drinking?!”

“I’ll get the barman to put it in a teacup for you, then no one will know.”

The Nun reluctantly agreed, so Marvin went inside to the bar and ordered, “Another beer for me, and a triple vodka on the rocks,” then he lowered his voice and said to the barman, “and could you put the vodka in a teacup?”

“Oh no!” howled the barman. “Is that blasted nun back again?”

The devil called up St. Peter and said, “Let’s have a baseball game. My people against your people.”

St. Peter checked his roster and said, “Sure, but you’re gonna lose. I’ve got all the hall of famers up here.”

“Maybe so,” replied the devil, “but I’ve got all the umpires!”