The psychology professor was giving a lecture on mental health. While covering the topic of manic depression, she asked the class, “How would you diagnose a patient who walks back and forth screaming at the top of his lungs one minute, then sits in a chair weeping uncontrollably the next?”
A young man in the rear raised his hand and answered, “A basketball coach?”
After attending a Mensa convention, a group of members meeting at a local cafe noticed the shaker with an S on top contained pepper and the shaker with a P on top was full of salt.
How could they swap the contents of the bottles without spilling anything and using only the implements at hand? Clearly, this was a marvellous Mensa mystery!
They presented ideas, debated them, and finally came up with what they felt was a brilliant solution involving a napkin, a straw, and an empty saucer.
When the waitress came over to take their order, they decided to dazzle her with their solution.
“Ma’am,” one of them said, “we couldn’t help but notice that the pepper shaker contains salt while the salt shaker contains…”
“Oh, sorry about that!” interrupted the waitress as she quickly unscrewed the caps of each shaker and switched them.
Jose and Carlos were a couple of panhandlers. Both panhandled for the same amount of time, but Carlos only collected a few dollars, while Jose raked in over $100 every day.
One day Carlos asked, “How do you bring home so much money every day when I work the streets just as hard as you?”
“Look at your sign,” said Jose. “It says, ‘I have no work, a wife and six kids to support.’ No wonder you only get a few dollars!”
“So what does your sign say?” asked Carlos.
Jose held up his sign. It read: “I only need another $10 to move back to Mexico.”
A woman went into a Bass Pro shop to buy a rod and reel for her husband’s Christmas present. She wasn’t sure which one to get so she just grabbed one and went to the register where an associate was standing there with dark shades on.
“Excuse me sir,” asked the woman. “Can you tell me anything about this rod and reel?”
The man replied, “Ma’am I’m blind but if you drop it on the counter I can tell you everything you need to know about it from the sound that it makes.”
Fascinated by his claim, the woman let the rod and reel plop on the counter.
Without hesitation, the man informed her, “That’s a 6′ graphite rod with Zebco 202 reel and 10 lb. test line. It’s a good all around rod and reel and it’s on sale today for $20.00.”
“That’s amazing!” the woman exclaimed. “It sounds just like what I’m looking for, and I’ll take it.”
When the clerk ducked under the counter to get a shopping bag, the woman let out a fart. At first she was embarrassed but quickly realized that there is no way the blind clerk could tell it was her since she was not the only person in the vicinity.
As the man rang up the order he said, “That will be $25.50.”
“I thought you said it was only $20.00?” the woman replied.
“Yes ma’am, the rod and reel is $20.00,” explained the clerk, “but the duck call is $3.00, and the catfish stink bait is $2.50!”
In a dark and hazy room, peering into a crystal ball, the mystic delivered grave news, “There’s no easy way to say this, so I’ll just be blunt. Prepare yourself to be a widow. Your husband will die a violent and horrible death this year.”
Visibly shaken, the woman stared at the fortune teller’s lined face, then at the single flickering candle, then down at her hands. She took a few deep breaths to compose herself.
She simply had to know. She met the fortune teller’s gaze, steadied her voice, and asked, “Will I be acquitted?”
Various Thoughts from the Past Week
No matter how many hours I put in at work, somehow it doesn’t interfere with my hobbies or daily activities. Paradoxically, when I take a week off from work, getting anything done takes a heck of a lot more effort.
If there’s one thing I’ve learned this past week, it’s that you do not eat an entire 9×13 broccoli casserole in one sitting by yourself. The abdominal pain was truly distressing.
Curiously, the dog was less thrilled by my constant presence than the cat.
I’m still loving this leftover Thanksgiving turkey. We truly live in an age of excess… and I hope it never ends.
Kudos and Promos
My buddy George pitched in all the jokes for this week, and I’m really grateful for all his effort. I’ve never actually met George in person, but the e-mails he sends me are hilarious. Are you a funny person as well? Submit your funniest jokes trough our submission page, or send an email to flush2x@gmail.com.
Strapped for cash this holiday season? Give a Flush Twice t-shirt as a Christmas gift! It’s absolutely free, and you get to tell me what kind of layout and text you would like. Please use this handy e-mail link: Gimme my FREE T-Shirt! (Limit one T-Shirt per household, and I reserve the right to refuse your request if I suspect bad faith.)
Pax,
-f2x
A lawyer died and was met with a warm congratulatory reception in heaven. St. Peter came forward and presented him with an impressive plaque for being “The Longest Lived Man” in the history of the world.
Confused, the lawyer remarked, “What are you talking about? I was only 65!”
There was a quiet murmur as St. Peter dashed over to refer to the heavenly book. A moment later St. Peter approached the man as the crowd of well wishers dispersed.
With an apologetic tone St. Peter explained, “It was an honest mistake. You see, we added up the billable hours that you charged your clients.”
1. During the middle of the meal, turn to your mother and say, “See Mom, I told you they wouldn’t notice that the turkey was four months past its expiration date. You were worried for nothing.”
2. When everyone goes around to say what they are thankful for, say, “I’m thankful I didn’t get caught,” and refuse to say anything more.
3. Load your plate up high, then take it to the kitchen, toss it all in the blender, and take your “shake” back to the table. Announce that it’s the new Thanksgiving Weight Loss Shake
4. Prepare a several hour long speech to give when asked about your thankfulness. If necessary, insist that no one leave or eat until you have finished the speech.
5. Bring a date that only talks about the tragic and abusive conditions known to exist at turkey farms. Insist that she bring photos and show them to everyone.
A brunette, redhead, and blonde were driving across the desert when their vehicle suffered a severe break down.
Realizing they would have to brave the rest of the journey on foot, the brunette said, “It will be a perilous trip. I will carry these jugs of water so we won’t die of thirst.”
Seeing the selflessness of her companion, the redhead said, “This journey could last for days. I will carry our supply of food so we won’t suffer hunger.”
Not to be outdone, the blonde chimed in, “And I’ll bring the car door. That way in case we get hot, we can roll down the window!”
