A wealthy man died and went to heaven. He was met at the Pearly Gates by Saint Peter who led him down the streets of gold.
They passed mansion after mansion until they came to the very end of the street. Saint Peter stopped in front of a little shack.
“This belongs to you,” said Saint Peter.
“Why do I get this ugly thing when there are so many mansions I could live in?” the man demanded.
“We did the best we could with the money you sent us!” Saint Peter replied.
Martha had a wedding to go to, and needed a wedding gift. While thinking about what to get, she remembered a silver monogrammed tray from her own wedding that she had never used.
So her plan was to take the tray to a silversmith, have him remove her monogram, and put the bride and groom’s monogram on it. It sounded like a brilliant plan, and she set off with her tray to visit a local shop.
Upon presenting the item, with an description of the work she wanted done, the silversmith took a look at the tray and shook his head, “Lady, you can only do this so many times!”
My Annual Thanksgiving Stay-cation
Though somewhat rarer than the “good-ol’-days”, many companies still offer paid holidays to their full time employees. My employer actually gives me Thanksgiving and Black Friday off with pay. Since I celebrated my 21st anniversary at work only a few weeks ago, I also have quite a bit of vacation time at my disposal.
Sadly, it’s not enough for a permanent vacation, so I try to find ways to maximize my time away from work. My annual Thanksgiving stay-cation is a perfect example of how I do that. Using just three vacation days, I can take the entire week off! I do a similar thing for Christmas too.
Now you may be saying, “But Diet, doesn’t your employer think it’s pretty shitty of you to take so much time off around the holidays?” To which my reply is, “Who cares what they think? I want my fucking time outa here. I’ve earned it, and they’re going to give it to me.”
I don’t usually put my foot down in these areas, but this is one case where giving me time for myself is really in everyone’s best interests, and they’ve never once turned down my annual Thanksgiving stay-cation request.
Kudos and Promos
Thanks for the jokes, George. If anyone out there is wondering what happened to the other guy, well… I’m still wondering about that too. Consequently I could use all the jokes I can get. Do you have a joke we can tell? Submit jokes via our submission page, or send an email to flush2x@gmail.com.
I’m still offering those Flush Twice t-shirts for free! You even get to tell me what you want it to look like. Please use this handy e-mail link: Gimme my FREE T-Shirt! (Limit one T-Shirt per household, and I reserve the right to refuse your request if I suspect bad faith.)
Pax,
-f2x
After James passed away, his will provided $35,000 for an elaborate funeral.
After the the services, the widow’s sister asked, “How much did this really cost?”
“All of it,” said the widow. “All thirty-five thousand.”
“No!” the sister exclaimed. “I mean, it was very nice, but $35,000?”
The widow explained, “The funeral was $10,000. I donated $2500 to the church. The wake, food, and drinks were another $500. The rest went for the memorial stone.”
“$22,000 for a memorial stone?” balked the sister. “My God, how big is it?!”
With a wry smile, the widow replied, “Two and a half carats.”
A guy driving a Yugo pulled up at a stoplight next to a Rolls-Royce.
The driver of the Yugo rolled down his window and shouted to the driver of the Rolls, “Hey, buddy, that’s a nice car. You got a phone in your Rolls? I’ve got one in my Yugo!”
The driver of Rolls looked over and said, “Yes I have a phone.”
The driver of the Yugo replied, “Cool! Hey, you got a fridge in there too? I’ve got a fridge in the back seat of my Yugo!”
The driver of the Rolls, looking annoyed, said, “Yes, I have a refrigerator.”
The driver of the Yugo said, “That’s great, man! Hey, you got a TV in there, too? You know, I got a TV in the back seat of my Yugo!”
The driver of the Rolls, getting rather peeved, said, “Of course I have a television. A Rolls-Royce is the finest luxury car in the world!”
The driver of the Yugo said, “Very cool car! Hey, you got a bed in there, too? I got a bed in the back of my Yugo!”
Upset that he did not have a bed, the driver of the Rolls-Royce sped away, and went straight to the dealer, where he promptly ordered that a bed be installed in the back of the Rolls.
The next morning, the driver of the Rolls picked up the car. The bed looked superb, complete with silk sheets and brass trim. It was clearly a bed fit for a Rolls Royce.
So the driver of the Rolls began searching for the Yugo. Finally he found the Yugo parked with all the windows fogged up on the inside. The driver of the Rolls got out and knocked on the Yugo. The owner rolled down the window and stuck his head out, soaking wet.
“I just wanted to mention that I have a bed in the back of my Rolls-Royce,” the Rolls driver stated arrogantly.
The Yugo’s owner looked at him and said, “You got me out of the shower for THAT?!”
Bonus:
Q: What’s the difference between a Jehovah’s Witness and a Yugo?
A: You can close the door on a Jehovah’s Witness.
After meeting in a singles bar, the man went back to the woman’s apartment for some heavy petting and a night of passionate sex.
The next morning when the guy woke up next to the woman, he looked into her eyes and asked, “By the way, I forgot to ask you if you ever had AIDS.”
The woman was slightly irked about the question, but she promptly denied that she had ever had the disease.
“That’s a relief,” said the man. “I’d hate to catch that again!”
At the University, the blonde’s final exam was comprised of only true false questions.
She took her seat in the examination hall, stared at the question paper for five minutes, took a quarter from her purse, and started flipping the coin. She marked true for heads and false for tails.
Within half an hour it seemed she had filled in all the answers while the rest of the class still struggled with the questions.
Everything seemed fine up to the last five minutes of the test when the blonde started frantically throwing the coin while swearing and sweating.
The alarmed professor approached her and asked what her problem was.
“I was finished with the exam,” she said, “But now I am rechecking my answers.”
During a routine traffic stop, the state trooper asked the little old lady for her driver’s license, registration, and proof of insurance. The elderly woman took out the required information and handed it to the officer.
Within the cards she handed the trooper, there was a concealed carry permit. The officer was a little surprised but followed the protocol. He asked if she had a weapon in her possession at the present time.
The old woman responded that she indeed had a .45 automatic in her glove box, a 9mm Glock in her center console, and a .38 special in her purse.
Taken aback by the old lady’s arsenal, he asked her what was she so afraid of.
The old woman looked him right in the eye and said, “Not a damn thing!”
It’s Finally Cold Outside
The United States may be a fair bit further south than where my European ancestors came from, nevertheless, it is still capable of getting rather cold here in the winter.
There is this little joke we tell people in Ohio. They probably tell this joke, or some variation of it, in a few other states, but I’ve always heard it about Ohio. Here’s how it goes: In Ohio, we have four seasons. “Almost Winter”, “Winter”, “Still Winter”, and “Construction”.
Here lately though, the “Construction” season seems to be getting longer, and since I actually prefer the cooler weather, it’s always a relief when those temperatures begin to fall.
Kudos and Promos
I’d like to thank George for helping with the jokes this week. Do you have a joke we can tell? Submit jokes via our submission page, or send an email to flush2x@gmail.com.
As always Flush Twice t-shirts are available at no cost to you! No shipping or handling fees either! Please use this handy e-mail link: Gimme my FREE T-Shirt! (Limit one T-Shirt per household, and I reserve the right to refuse your request if I suspect bad faith.)
Pax,
-f2x
