Monthly Archives: February 2014

An elderly man was stopped by the police around 2 a.m and was asked where he was going at that time of night.
The man replied, “I’m on my way to a lecture about alcohol abuse and the effects it has on the human body, as well as smoking and staying out late.”
The officer then asked, “Really? Who’s giving that lecture at this time of night?”
The man replied, “That would be my wife.”
 

Joe and Stan, who were both 90 years old, loved baseball, and they had their entire life. One day, they were sitting together on a bench in their neighborhood when Joe turns to Stan and says:
“Will you promise me something? Promise me that if you die first and go to heaven, you’ll come back and tell if there’s baseball there.”
Stan agreed, and made Joe promise the same. 3 months later, Stan died, and the next week Joe woke up in his sleep with someone calling his name.
“Who’s there?” he called out.
“Joe! It’s me Stan!”
“Stan! It’s so good to hear you! How’s heaven?” Joe asked.
“It’s great, but I’ve some news, some good and some bad” Stan told him.
“Well tell me the good news first” Joe replied.
“OK, the good news is that, there is baseball in heaven.”
“That’s great.” Joe exclaimed, “What’s the bad news?”
“Well, the bad news is that I was reading the lineup, and you’re pitching on Friday.”

A man went to prison. The inmates who had been there for years were sitting around talking. One of the guys said “37” and everyone laughed.
A moment later another guy said “15” and everyone laughed.
So the new guy is puzzled by this and asks, “What’s going on with the numbers here?”
One of the inmates explains that everyone kept telling the same old jokes over and over so eventually they gave the jokes each a number.
Next day they’re all sitting around and the new guy said “25”.
No one laughed.
There was a moment of uncomfortable silence until one of the other guys said, “You have to know how to tell it.”

An old man comes into a restaurant, sits at his usual table, and orders his usual soup.
The waiter sets it down in front of him, and stands back to watch him enjoy it. But the man just sits there.
“Is there something wrong?” the waiter asks.
“I can’t eat this soup,” the man replies.
“Is it too hot?” the waiter asks.
“No.”
“Too cold?”
“No.”
“Too salty?”
“No.”
The waiter calls for the chef, and he goes through the same routine: “Too hot?” “Too cold?”, but the old man replied, “No, no, no!”
Finally the chief, at his wits end, says, “Sir, I will taste the soup myself. Where is the spoon?”
Says the old man: “A-ha!”

Jesus, Moses, and an old man are playing golf. They step up to a par three.
Jesus is up first. He drives the ball short, into the water trap in front of the green. So Jesus, being Jesus, walks on the water, chips the ball onto the green and putts for par.
Moses is next. He drives the ball into the same water trap. So Moses, being Moses, parts the water, chips the ball onto the green, and putts for par.
The old man is up. He drives the ball and it’s heading for the water trap. Before the ball lands in the water, a fish jumps out and catches the ball in its mouth. Before the fish lands back in the water, a bird swoops down, snags the fish, and begins to fly away. As it’s circling over the green, a bolt of lighting strikes the bird, causing it to drop the fish onto the green. The ball pops out of the fish’s mouth, and rolls into the hole for a hole-in-one.
Jesus turns to the old man and says, “Dad, if you don’t stop fooling around, we’re not gonna bring you next time.”

A hungry lion was roaming through the jungle looking for something to eat.
He came across two men. One was sitting under a tree reading a book; the other was typing away on his typewriter.
The lion quickly pounced on the man reading the book and devoured him.
It just goes to show you that even the king of the jungle knows that readers digest, and writers cramp.
 

Two black guys were walking down the street when they saw a sign out in front of a building building:
“Turn yourself white! Only 99¢!”
So they stop and check their money situation. Jamal says, “I gots a me a buck even. Fo’ quotas.”
Tyrone pulls the change out of his pocket and says, “All I gots is 98¢, but here’s whats we do. You go in, get yourself made into a honky, and then come out and gimme the penny so I can get it too.”
“OK,” says Jamal.
So Jamal walks inside, and about 15 minutes later comes back out white as can be.
Tyrone says to him, “Ok, now gimme that penny so I can be white too.”
Jamal replies, “Fuck off and get a job, nigger!”

A redneck was walking home late at night and noticed a woman lurking in the shadows.
“I can give you a good time for five dollars”, she called out.
Bubba had never been with a hooker before, but what the heck, its only five bucks, so he took her around behind the bushes. It had only been a few minutes when all of a sudden a light flashed on them. It was a police officer.
“What’s going on here?”, demanded the officer.
Bubba was startled, and he cried out, “I’m making out with my wife!”
“Oh, I’m sorry”, said the cop, “I didn’t know she was your wife.”
Bubba said, “Well, neither did I, till ya shined that light in her face.”

A Russian, a Mexican, and an American were taking a small charter flight over the Atlantic. Without warning the pilot comes back from the cockpit and tells them that the plane is having engine trouble and they’re losing altitude. “If we don’t lose weight quickly, we’re going to crash into the ocean!”
The Russian pulls a tarp off a large palette of Russian vodka. He says, “We have plenty of this Vodka back in mother Russia,” as he shoves it out the cargo bay.
The pilot comes back and shouts, “It’s not enough, we’re still losing altitude!”
The Mexican pulls the tarp off a large crate containing the finest tequila. “We have plenty of tequila back in Mexico,” he says as he shoves it out of the cargo bay.
It wasn’t long and the pilot shouts back, “We’re doing better, but we still need to lose a little more weight or we’ll crash!”
Without hesitation, the American grabs the Mexican and throws him out the door, and says, “We have plenty of Hispanics back in the States.”

Yusef came to the United States from Saudi Arabia, and he was only here a few months when he became very ill. He went to Doctor after Doctor, but none of them could help him.
Finally, he went to an Arab Doctor. The Doctor said, “Take dees bucket, go into de odder room, poop in de bucket, pee on de poop, and den put your head down over de bucket and breathe in de fumes for ten minutes.”
Yusef took the bucket, went into the other room, pooped in the bucket, peed on the poop, bent over and breathed in the fumes for ten minutes.
Coming back to the Doctor he said, “It worked. I feel terrific! What was it?”
The Doctor said, “You were homesick.”