Monthly Archives: September 2018

A man had three daughters ages 5, 7, and 9. One morning, the oldest daughter came up to him and asked, “Dad, why am I named Rose?”

The father responded by saying “Because on the day you were born, a rose petal fell on your head.”

The next day the middle daughter asked the father, “Daddy, why am I called Daisy?”

The father again responded by saying “Because when you were a baby, a daisy petal fell on your head.”

Another day went by and the youngest daughter started screaming gibberish. The father looked at her and yelled, “Shut up, Brick!”

A man was on trial for the crime of stealing his neighbor’s TV.

After both sides rested, the jury left to deliberate. An hour later they returned.

“Have you reached a verdict?” asked the judge.

“We have, your honor,” the foreman said. “We find the defendant not guilty, but he has to return the television.”

Miffed, the judge informed them, “If you find him not guilty, then that means you don’t believe he stole the television. If he didn’t steal the TV, then how can he return it? Go deliberate some more until you can come back with a verdict that makes sense!”

The jury left again, and an hour later they returned once more.

“Have you reached a more consistent verdict?” asked the judge.

“We have, your honor,” the foreman said. “We find the defendant not guilty, but he can keep the TV.”

A computer engineer, a systems analyst, and a programmer were driving down a mountain when the brakes gave out. They screamed down the mountain, gaining speed, and by sheer luck finally managed to grind to a halt merely inches from a steep drop off to jagged rocks below. They all got out of the car.

The computer engineer said, “I think I can fix it.”

The systems analyst said, “No, I think we should take it into town and have a specialist look at it.”

The programmer said, “OK, but first I think we should get back in and see if it does it again.”

A surgeon was relaxing on his sofa. As he settled in for a quiet evening at home, the phone rang. The doctor calmly answered it.

A medical colleague said, “We need a fourth for poker!”

“I’ll be right over,” said the doctor.

As he put on his coat his wife asked, “Is it really serious?”

“Quite serious, it would seem,” said the doctor gravely. “There are already three other doctors there!”

A man flying in a hot air balloon realized he was lost, so he reduced altitude and spotted a man walking down below. As he lowered the balloon further, he shouted to the person on the ground, “Excuse me, can you tell me where I am? ”

The pedestrian replied, “Yes. You’re in a hot air balloon, about 30 feet above the ground.”

Miffed, the balloonist retorted, “You must work in IT.”

“I do,” replied the man. “How did you know?”

“While everything you told me is technically correct, I won’t be able to find my landing site because the information you gave me is completely useless!”

The man below replied, “Then I presume you work in management.”

“I do,” replied the balloonist, “But how did you know?”

“Because you got where you are by means of a lot of hot air, you don’t know where you are or where you’re going, you expect someone beneath you to solve your problem, and while you’re in the same position you were in before we met, somehow it’s now my fault.”

An old seaman met an old pirate in a bar, and talked about their adventures on the sea. The seaman noted that the pirate had a peg-leg, a hook, and an eye patch.

The seaman asked, “So, how did you end up with the peg-leg?”

The pirate replied, “We were in a storm at sea, and I was swept overboard into a school of sharks. Just as my men were pulling me out, a shark bit my leg off.”

“Wow!” exclaimed the seaman. “What about your hook”?

“We were boarding an enemy ship and were battling the other sailors with swords,” recalled the pirate. “In the skirmish, one of the enemy managed to cut off my hand.”

“Incredible!” remarked the seaman. “And how did you get the eye patch?”

“A seagull dropping fell into my eye,” replied the pirate.

“You lost your eye to a seagull dropping?,” the sailor asked incredulously.

“Well,” sighed the pirate, “it was my first day with the hook”

Stan and Jerry were a couple of old fishing buddies. Early Saturday morning, Stan called Jerry and said, “Jerry, it’s Stan. Look, I’m not gonna be able to go fishing this morning like we planned.”

“Why not?” asked Jerry. “We’ve been planning this fishing trip all week!”

“Look, I woke up grumpy this morning,” explained Stan.

Jerry thought for a moment and said, “Well, have you tried getting her to go back to bed?”

A woman sought advice from a family therapist, “It’s my daughter that I’m worried about. I found her with the little boy next door. They were both naked and examining each other’s bodies!”

“That’s doesn’t sound unusual,” smiled the therapist. “I wouldn’t worry about it.”

“But I am worried, doctor,” insisted the woman, “and so is my daughter’s husband!”